someone told me this: I am not into long-hair gals but if I ever like a long-haired gal, you will be the one. That's flattering but funnnneee, one of the most random thing I have heard, though I understood where she was coming from.
That led me to think about types and why types matter, not as much for me in the recent years. I have grown to realise that previously, I had preferred not to be with a certain type because I wasn't out. I was still closeted and did not want to be seen being more than friends with someone who looks gay. Once I got that out of the picture, I just got to say that type in terms of looks do not matter. Like what the sweetheart said before, it's more because of how that person feels (insecure, unconfident, lack of energy) because of the way she looks that is not that attractive rather than looks per se.
just wanted to say that I am happily attached to my ideal type, that I am thankful for. It's a bonus, not a necessity.
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Sunday, 25 August 2013
Jobs
The movie narrated the life of Steve Jobs from the time he was in university till the time he became the CEO of Apple Computers. It was enlightening in that I did not know the number of obstacles he went through before he became that successful.
I like the movie because they did not try to portray Jobs as god, the "perfect" man despite his success and how his products had greatly impacted the world. His character flaws were visible throughout the movie especially that part on how he changed once he become successful and powerful. One thing that struck me during the movie was how detached he was from his friends after he started gaining recognition in the world, especially from the original group of friends who was involved in the start up of the first computer. As he got more successful, he became busier and there were times where his good friends would want to catch up with him over a meal; not to talk about work, but just to hang out and chill and he did not have the time to do that. He seemed so.. alone.. so lonely even though he was so busy.
Sometimes, I do feel like that with some of my close friends from church and particularly friends from the first cell group I had joined when I started attended FCC. It was less complicated then, the smaller the group, the more time I get to spend with the members, meeting up with them individually during my holidays just to catch up. There were fewer commitments then as cell group was my only ministry. As the years went by, and I started to be more involved in the worship ministry, the sound ministry, the welcome ministry, and as God placed more people in my path to talk to, to minister to, I began to find that I lack that personal time with my old friends. Days at church where I get to see most of them is when I had to be on duty and had to talk to new people and other church members. At that time when I was still attending that cell group, there was also little time to share deeply during cell group because we also had to attend to visitors or newer members from time to time. I did not find anything wrong with that because surely we must ensure that people did not feel left out. I did miss the deep sharing moments though but because I felt comfortable enough with our level of friendship; that nothing will break that bond we had between us, that I was okay. But I do not know if they felt the same. Therefore, it is always delightful when I join their social gatherings because there is still this closeness I had felt with them before.
I must be quite bothered about this because just about a month ago, I actually thought of the analogy of how superheros do not have close friends, because they are busy saving the world. They have comrades, like how Batman has Robin. But because they are called to do bigger things in life, chilling with friends over drinks and hanging out together are trivial compared to what they are called to do. And I actually feel a little like that. I do not feel like I am doing anything great, but I do think that in most of the things that I felt led to do (and that may include social gatherings with people I do not really know), they are important enough, and more important than just hanging and chilling. Sometimes, it can get a bit lonely, but not enough to bother me. I just hope that in whatever I do, that I am doing the will of God because He knows what's best for me and for others. I just have to commit my entire self to God and let him lead.
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I like the movie because they did not try to portray Jobs as god, the "perfect" man despite his success and how his products had greatly impacted the world. His character flaws were visible throughout the movie especially that part on how he changed once he become successful and powerful. One thing that struck me during the movie was how detached he was from his friends after he started gaining recognition in the world, especially from the original group of friends who was involved in the start up of the first computer. As he got more successful, he became busier and there were times where his good friends would want to catch up with him over a meal; not to talk about work, but just to hang out and chill and he did not have the time to do that. He seemed so.. alone.. so lonely even though he was so busy.
Sometimes, I do feel like that with some of my close friends from church and particularly friends from the first cell group I had joined when I started attended FCC. It was less complicated then, the smaller the group, the more time I get to spend with the members, meeting up with them individually during my holidays just to catch up. There were fewer commitments then as cell group was my only ministry. As the years went by, and I started to be more involved in the worship ministry, the sound ministry, the welcome ministry, and as God placed more people in my path to talk to, to minister to, I began to find that I lack that personal time with my old friends. Days at church where I get to see most of them is when I had to be on duty and had to talk to new people and other church members. At that time when I was still attending that cell group, there was also little time to share deeply during cell group because we also had to attend to visitors or newer members from time to time. I did not find anything wrong with that because surely we must ensure that people did not feel left out. I did miss the deep sharing moments though but because I felt comfortable enough with our level of friendship; that nothing will break that bond we had between us, that I was okay. But I do not know if they felt the same. Therefore, it is always delightful when I join their social gatherings because there is still this closeness I had felt with them before.
I must be quite bothered about this because just about a month ago, I actually thought of the analogy of how superheros do not have close friends, because they are busy saving the world. They have comrades, like how Batman has Robin. But because they are called to do bigger things in life, chilling with friends over drinks and hanging out together are trivial compared to what they are called to do. And I actually feel a little like that. I do not feel like I am doing anything great, but I do think that in most of the things that I felt led to do (and that may include social gatherings with people I do not really know), they are important enough, and more important than just hanging and chilling. Sometimes, it can get a bit lonely, but not enough to bother me. I just hope that in whatever I do, that I am doing the will of God because He knows what's best for me and for others. I just have to commit my entire self to God and let him lead.
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Saturday, 24 August 2013
Holidays
I have been resisting buying air tickets to anywhere and everywhere. Twice, I nearly got to the point where I entered my credit card details. Twice, I had the willpower to pull out. Main reason: To save money for the year end trip and to try to save substantially after all the monthly trips in the first half of the year.
I have always wanted to bring my family members on a holiday and had put aside 5k to make that happen. Dad's condition meant that we had to wait for a while. In place of that, we will try a one night warm up to Sentosa, I thought.
In the end, I booked a terrace sea view room for my parents at Rasa Sentosa. That room is the closest type of room to the private (ya right) beach and we can supposedly see beautiful sunsets from our spacious balcony. It was expensive and painful to pay that much for a one nighter. But I always tell myself that I can always get back that money, but for my parents to experience something amazing, the amount is worth it.
Happy that I resisted booking something for myself for the few days break in Sept, though a $400 ticket to Sydney seemed really enticing. Shall patiently wait till year end.
Laters.
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I have always wanted to bring my family members on a holiday and had put aside 5k to make that happen. Dad's condition meant that we had to wait for a while. In place of that, we will try a one night warm up to Sentosa, I thought.
In the end, I booked a terrace sea view room for my parents at Rasa Sentosa. That room is the closest type of room to the private (ya right) beach and we can supposedly see beautiful sunsets from our spacious balcony. It was expensive and painful to pay that much for a one nighter. But I always tell myself that I can always get back that money, but for my parents to experience something amazing, the amount is worth it.
Happy that I resisted booking something for myself for the few days break in Sept, though a $400 ticket to Sydney seemed really enticing. Shall patiently wait till year end.
Laters.
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The Word
There is a difference between picking up the word of God to study a passage versus spending time meditating and dwelling on God's word. I had not done the latter since 7th August and I was very thankful to spend time in the word again today.
I love the word of God, simply because it aligns my core to Jesus' heart. It brings me back in line with Jesus. The word is powerful to speak, powerful to work, and for me, powerful enough to bring me to a state of repentance, revealing what needs to be changed. The word showed me my wretchedness but it also restored me gently.
Some things I need to work on: Speak less, listen more, listen well, give thanks, be gracious, be humble, do not be defensive.
I need to spend more time in the word.
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I love the word of God, simply because it aligns my core to Jesus' heart. It brings me back in line with Jesus. The word is powerful to speak, powerful to work, and for me, powerful enough to bring me to a state of repentance, revealing what needs to be changed. The word showed me my wretchedness but it also restored me gently.
Some things I need to work on: Speak less, listen more, listen well, give thanks, be gracious, be humble, do not be defensive.
I need to spend more time in the word.
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Wednesday, 21 August 2013
My job
A sermon is not inspiring because of what the speaker preaches, but because of what God speaks in between words.
I have always looked up to Gary for the way he lives out what he preaches. When his mum asked him to reduce his commitment level to ministry so he can have more time and not risk compromising his job, he told his mum that if God really leads him to reduce his commitments, he will find a lower paid job to get the time he needs to continue serving God in ways that God has led him to.
If there is one area of my life I can totally trust God with, it is in my job. Or not. Over the last ten years, I have seen God's hand so evidently in leading me from the previous workplace to the present one, on how my workload is significantly lower, my performance bonus significantly higher and I spend less time at work so I can spend more time on the more important things in life. I am so thankful. Sometimes, I find myself having to say more than necessary when a few people asked why I am just a teacher (and not a HoD or a principal). I could have just said that I am really not interested to spend that much time at work because I prefer to have more time for more important things and not say anything more but I find that slowly the conversation will gradually lead to me sharing on even when I am not on the management team, my pay is comparable to half of the people in the management team. Then I asked myself why I had to explain that much. Am I not secure enough? Usually I am, and normally, people from church do not ask that question but in the outside world, my friends ask. My relatives ask. My ex-classmates ask. A good reminder on what truly matters to God. But I reckon this is something to pray about until I am totally satisfied in God.
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I have always looked up to Gary for the way he lives out what he preaches. When his mum asked him to reduce his commitment level to ministry so he can have more time and not risk compromising his job, he told his mum that if God really leads him to reduce his commitments, he will find a lower paid job to get the time he needs to continue serving God in ways that God has led him to.
If there is one area of my life I can totally trust God with, it is in my job. Or not. Over the last ten years, I have seen God's hand so evidently in leading me from the previous workplace to the present one, on how my workload is significantly lower, my performance bonus significantly higher and I spend less time at work so I can spend more time on the more important things in life. I am so thankful. Sometimes, I find myself having to say more than necessary when a few people asked why I am just a teacher (and not a HoD or a principal). I could have just said that I am really not interested to spend that much time at work because I prefer to have more time for more important things and not say anything more but I find that slowly the conversation will gradually lead to me sharing on even when I am not on the management team, my pay is comparable to half of the people in the management team. Then I asked myself why I had to explain that much. Am I not secure enough? Usually I am, and normally, people from church do not ask that question but in the outside world, my friends ask. My relatives ask. My ex-classmates ask. A good reminder on what truly matters to God. But I reckon this is something to pray about until I am totally satisfied in God.
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I miss blogging
too busy. Many thoughts and reflections lost along the way. So tired this year. Bleah. I can't wait for June 2015. That's where I get my freedom, god willing.. list of things I thought of doing for that 6 month sabbatical includes...
1) Going for the Hillsong Conference
2) Visit Canada with the sweetheart
3) Wake up leisurely every morning
4) Exercise everyday
5) Master the bass, electric guitar and the drums
6) Learn how to play the keys
7) Visit Croatia
8) Live in Spain for a month and learn some decent Spanish
9) Spend more time with dad and be his personal chauffer
10) Spend more time in ministry
Most importantly, spend heaps of time seeking God, soaking in His presence, learning from Him, blogging about my reflections and praying for direction in the next phase of my life.
I.................can't........... wait.......
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1) Going for the Hillsong Conference
2) Visit Canada with the sweetheart
3) Wake up leisurely every morning
4) Exercise everyday
5) Master the bass, electric guitar and the drums
6) Learn how to play the keys
7) Visit Croatia
8) Live in Spain for a month and learn some decent Spanish
9) Spend more time with dad and be his personal chauffer
10) Spend more time in ministry
Most importantly, spend heaps of time seeking God, soaking in His presence, learning from Him, blogging about my reflections and praying for direction in the next phase of my life.
I.................can't........... wait.......
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Friday, 16 August 2013
Response to a few questions posed
Question 1:
Have I ever thought I was doing something right but it turned out to be wrong?
Question 3:
Have I ever thought I was doing something right but it turned out to be wrong?
Absolutely! Often it is being presumptuous (making a decision and thinking I know better, or having a sense of righteousness (thinking that I deserve to be treated this way so I was okay voicing out my unhappiness and sometimes saying things that hurt).
My experience has taught me to follow the Lord's leading when it comes to making decisions, big and small, and taking on the Lord's perspectives when dealing with matters involving my relationships with people.
What do I mean by following the Lord's leading? An analogy would in driving, to try too hard to be giving and slowing down to let another car come into my lane. When my first thought is to be kind and let the other car go, I fail to see all the other circumstances (By slowing down, a the car close behind may not have time to adjust. The car which was waiting to come into my lane could be waiting until it was clear and safe after my car and the other car has passed because the lane would be empty then.)
Similarly, God has the overall picture and knows the best decision a person can make and when that person follows God's leading, the best outcome will come to pass. But if I think using my own reasoning and judgement, it may still be okay but not the best outcome. And sometimes, it may be wrong.
Question 2:
Have I ever done something wrong and it turned out to be right? Not that I can think of, because when I think it's wrong, it's mostly wrong. Lol. But I learnt that God can make something good out of all horrendous consequences in all circumstances. So God restores ruins to glory for His glory. Glorious ruins:)
Have I ever done something wrong and it turned out to be right? Not that I can think of, because when I think it's wrong, it's mostly wrong. Lol. But I learnt that God can make something good out of all horrendous consequences in all circumstances. So God restores ruins to glory for His glory. Glorious ruins:)
Question 3:
If I were to die tonight and have to justify entry to heaven, I would say that i have received Jesus as lord and savior of my life and his grace and his love is sufficient for me all the days of my life.
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Sunday, 11 August 2013
Reflection from today
Why does it seem like he's attacking the prosperity gospel? Why doesn't he concentrate on what it is not and preach that message instead of preaching against it?
What if I were not into status, money, power?
What if I were secure in my identity in God?
What if the reason why I fill up my life is not because I am lonely?
What if everything he preaches doesn't speak to me?
I give thanks whenever I hear that people are ministered by his message. Because I mostly do not. Even as an optimist who tries to get something out of anything, my only thanksgiving is that some people benefit from his message.
Then how do I share this frustration with fellow believers without stumbling them? Already as it is, they have so many criticisms. Wouldn't that feed on their criticisms?
God please show me what I should think and do. Amen.
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Saturday, 10 August 2013
Thoughts for the day
The worship leader needs to have enough from God so that the anointing will overflow to the congregation. The worship leader needs to work on his/her own relationship with God.
People can tell the depth of a worship leader's walk with God. At least I know of one other person who can tell. I was a bit disappointed when this was not really emphasised during the worship retreat. I contemplated sharing, yet felt inhibited by my self-consciousness, lethargy as well as my lack of presence in terms of the technical aspect of my own musicality.
Self-pride in thinking that we are not too bad in comparison to other smaller churches without bringing in the working and empowering of the Holy Spirit through our inadequacy is going to lead in the stagnancy of the spiritual growth in the worship ministry. At the end of the meeting, I felt slightly uneasy and a momentarily loss of peace.
I do not believe that the instrumental portion of a song is a time for the worship leader and the singers to rest. I also do not believe that the parts and linkage of the different parts in a song should be planned and followed as rehearsed. There needs to be space for the Holy Spirit to work. It is the musicians and primarily the worship leader to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit to lead the congregation in a moment with God. Someone suggested it could be the Selah moment, which could be one of the moments.
I am new too and I may be wrong, but this is how I feel at this moment in time. In the meantime, The worship retreat is a good reminder to keep walking with God and also to work on the technical aspect of my playing.
Selah.
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Friday, 2 August 2013
Bah bah
I gotto be more humble and be open to learning from people even so if I do not hold them in high regard. Bah. It's the right thing to do. The same holy spirit who is in me is also in them. The only reason why I am where I am now is because of the grace of God and the anointing of his spiritual (and earthly) blessings. Praying to know the balance between being self-assured vs being proud. Bah. Bah. Bah.
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