Reflection at Ayers Rock (resort)

I was watching a huge group of ants doing their work when I thought about the difference between an animal/insect and humans.

I have always been amazed at animals/insects' instinctive responses. Their responses are governed by a stimulant. They seem to not possess a centre where they can process their thoughts before they execute their action.

I guess that's when the term animal instinct come about. That led me to think about the value of self-control; the ability to restrain our natural response and process through before responding. It is a high functioning skill and perhaps one of the most difficult to grow. However, God has created us in His image, which means we have the potential to be more and more godlike, to possess more and more of the godlike characteristics as we abide in His presence.

Holy Spirit, consume every part of us, that we will become more and more like you, not through our own effort and good work, not even by the strength we get from you when we are doing our good work. Consume every morsel of our being that we will do as you lead and guide. Consume every part of us that the fruit of your spirit will emanate from the way we speak, the way we behave, the way we act.
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that song that ministered after the break up

Was listening to some music this morning and this song brought me back to the time of the previous break up. It's quite amazing how certain songs bring back memories.

I remembered that after the break up, I decided to take a weekend trip to HK alone to help with the healing process, and on that Sunday, I attended this church at Quarry Bay and this was the first song they led. It was a simple set up of an acoustic guitarist, a keyboardist and a drummer. But the holy spirit ministered to the soul through this song, and I was kinda feeling better after the trip. One of those experiences that taught me about the comfort that God can bring.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01Yj7H-eSjM

Our God - Chris Tomlin

Water, You turned into wine
Opened the eyes of the blind
There's no one like You
None like You

Into the darkness, You shine
Out of the ashes we rise
There's no one like You
None like You

Our God is greater
Our God is stronger
God, You are higher than any other
Our God is healer
Awesome in power
Our God, our God

Into the darkness, You shine
Out of the ashes, we rise
There's no one like You
None like You

Our God is greater
Our God is stronger
God, You are higher than any other
Our God is healer
Awesome in power
Our God, our God
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You are the Christ

Because of Your love, you gather the lost sheep

Through Your love, you restore what is lost

By Your love, you sent us eternal life

By Your love, you have given us new lives

You are the Christ

who existed from the beginning

You are the Christ 

who fell on the way to Calvary

You are the Christ 

who was crucified on Calvary

You are the Christ 

who rose on high to the Father’s throne

My eyes may strain to see your rescue

My heart may doubt the truth of your promise

Give me a heart of faith that I will believe

Teach me your decrees that we may all live

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Inspired 10 mins

I want to sing to you a new song

For who you've been to me

You in three persons

Have given me all that I need

I want to sing to you a love song 

For all the things you've done

The peace and comfort you bring

And how fully you've loved me

In all circumstances 

You have been my source of strength

In good times and bad

Your everlasting presence brings me fullness of joy

All these times

Though I may have strayed

You have never ever let me go

Thank you for loving me your way

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Things I think about when I am on Holiday

The Great Commission

When I was a younger Christian, I used to think that building disciples to win souls is for God's purposes. Not that I don't think it's for God's purposes now, but the understanding of the great commission has changed.

Before it was like a drive to share about the gospel as much and as frequently so that more people will get to know Christ, work towards being a disciple so that more souls will be won. Now, it's really about sharing how much God loves us and how we can share this amazing love and power with others.  Some people argue that it's no longer sufficient to merely feel loved by God, but that we must apply our faith by ensuring that justice and morality is promoted. However, I feel that knowing fully that we are loved by God gives us the assurance that we have nothing to prove, knowing fully that we are loved by God allows us to put our lives in His hands so that we are no longer fighting for what's not essential, so that we can rest assure that whatever happens, God has our back and that gives us the strength to go beyond what we think we cannot do. Need I add about the power of the Holy trinity that helps us go behind what is humanly impossible.

So the great commission to me is really about sharing about the goodness of God so that others will want to know God more and God will naturally and certainly put in our hearts the desire to share His love with others. And the cycle goes on. And I believe that being more deliberate about this is also from God. Everything is from God, revolves around God, and comes out through God!
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Inspiration from this morning

Ps 27

We declare your majesty today
We lift our hearts and hands to you
The King who reaches down to us
And heals us of our brokenness

We declare you are Lord and redeemer
We lift our lives to you
The God who hides us in your sanctuary
And sets us high upon the rock

There is none greater than you Lord
You whose presence gives us comfort
You whose presence gives us strength
You whose presence makes us whole

We come to you with open hands
We come to you with open hearts
We come to you with arms wide open
Lord, lead us, guide us, use us

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"you need so little from me, yet it's too much for me to give."

Up on the mountain

"The Mountain" - Steven Curtis Chapman

"I want to build a house up on this mountain
Way up high where the peaceful waters flow
To quench my thirsty soul up on the mountain

I can see for miles up on this mountain
Troubles seem so small they almost disappear
Lord I love it here up on the mountain

My faith is strengthened by all that I see
You make it easy for me to believe up on the mountain
Oh, up on the mountain

I would love to live up on this mountain
And keep the pain of living life so far away
But I know I can't stay, ohh.. up on the mountain

I said I'd go Lord wherever you lead
For where you are is where I most want to be
And I can tell we're headed for the valley (yes we are)
My faith is strengthened by all that I've seen
So Lord help me remember what you've shown me
Up on the mountain

You bring me up here on the mountain
For me to rest and learn and grow
I see the truth up on the mountain
And I carry it to the world far below
So as I go down to the valley
Knowing that you will go with me
This is my prayer Lord help me to remember what you showed me
Up on the mountain
Up on the mountain

I cherish these times up on the mountain
But I can leave this place because I know
Someday you'll take me home to live forever
Up on the mountain"

I think this must be my all time favourite song. I first heard it 15 years ago and from time to time, as I get to listen to it, I am reminded that finding strength in God's presence must lead to a further purpose.

As I listen to the song again in preparation for follow up, I realised that the song is also meant to minister to me in this season and to remind me once again of how I need to relook at and reprioritize my life goals.

In meditating on the lyrics of the song, I realised that truly, at the bottom of my heart, where God's presence is where I really want to be, that his presence is all I seek and all I need. I also realised that when the idea of building my house up on the mountain no longer appeals to me as much, it's time to ask that question: Even as I am serving delightfully, where am I finding my delight in? Is it a delight that is driven by others' approval? Is it a delight drive by habit? Or is it a delight driven by adrenalin?

In hosting an overseas guest this weekend, I am once again encouraged by these few people who gave so much of their time, energy and resources in ministry. As I was telling them how inspiring and encouraging to see them put their priorities on the things of God, this person responded," I guess you put your time into what gives you life." That's a pretty profound revelation for me.

I guess the question for me this season is this: what gives me life? I hope to prayerfully realign my life goals and priorities based on what's truly important in preparation for a new year.
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I LOVE SUNDAYS!

the only thing I don't like about Sundays is that I got to go to work on Monday.


But I love Sundays, because I enjoy going to church to praise and worship God as a corporate body of Christ. I love how space and time is given to God to work during that period of time! I love having ah-ha moments, and important reminders and thoughts that come to mind. I love receiving insights and revelations. I love just "being", not doing. I love Sundays!


I can't wait for holidays to start proper. Bali, Syndey, Uluru and India! Here I come!!
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Emotional Vulnerability

Today, I was reminded of a few occasions on how people have shared about their desire to relinquish control on certain aspects of their lives and let God take control.

I thought about the relationship between control and vulnerability today. I realised that the reason why people do not allow themselves to be vulnerable is because they do not want to give control over to the person they choose to be vulnerable to.  

Vulnerability is very complex. It has many layers. Sharing your life with someone does not equate to being totally vulnerable. It is more than sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings with someone. Being vulnerable is laying everything out on the table AND knowing that the person you are being vulnerable to understands completely what you are sharing and how you are feeling. Being vulnerable is letting someone into your thoughts and feelings. It is being aware that it could open one up to hurt. In being vulnerable, one starts to share their most honest thoughts and feelings with another, and when that happens, it opens up a door for the listener to either consciously or subconsciously use that information in a way which may cause hurt to the person who has chosen to be vulnerable.

And sometimes people seem heartless also for that reason. The cost of vulnerability can be too high especially when they know that it takes them only a moment to cross that line to the possibility of being hurt. It is indeed a precious gift when we find someone we can be vulnerable to totally and still know that our hearts are safe in their hands.

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i exercised compassion on myself today

This morning, Dad was watching the news and I could hear the news reporting on the Women's Tennis Association's finals currently held in Singapore. I remembered then that Dad used to be a big tennis fan. I asked whether he wanted to watch the match. And I knew he wanted, because whenever I ask if he wanted to go somewhere or watch something before, his response would almost be immediate. This time he hesitated. Not only that, he asked how much the tickets are.

Ever since Dad was diagnosed with cancer, I have tried my best to ensure that he gets to enjoy as many experiences as possible, things he had not experienced before because his priority was on saving money for family related matters (and other stuff I don't know of), but he never really spent money on himself on holidays, concerts, musicals, etc. I  could have lamented and blame myself on a slipped opportunity to let him experience a world class live tennis performance, but I didn't. I learnt to exercise compassion on myself this morning, I went to look into getting tickets for him. All the category 1 tickets for the finals were sold out, so we are watching the semis on Saturday. Looking forward! :)
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introverts and writing

extroverts and introverts express themselves in different ways.

extroverts express themselves openly. In dance, in speech, on social media...

Introverts prefer to write. In diaries and secret blogs. And in their minds...

It is rare for introverts to express themselves outwardly, so dance can be very liberating for introverts, me thinks. If they even start dancing at all :D

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Saturday morning muse

the ear hears the sounds of creation
the eye sees the effects of the wind
the scent of nature caught in the air

the senses receive and process
the mind takes it all in
the heart comprehends its meaning

expressed through words
through a contented sigh
through a sustained awe

when all is still
the power of the Almighty is felt
the presence of God is everywhere
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Message from God

"Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it." Hebrews 13:2 (NIV)

Seriously, this verse came up thrice in 2 weeks .. The latest today via the daily devotional. Who's the stranger I am supposed to show hospitality to? I read the devotional and.. Viola! God spoke! I shall take time to look around instead of at my phone, I shall pray and heed the holy spirit's prompting, I shall not let fear, busyness or lack of understanding prevent me from giving what is truly important- love. Stop to ask, stop to give, stop to listen, stop to help, stop to pray.

I pray to be more acutely aware, alert and attentive, and more tender-hearted and courageous today. Amen.
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Long weekend 1.3

So.. I have been trying to wean off worship music and spend time with God without the "artificial stimulant". It's initially counter intuitive because hearing worship music instinctively puts me in the mood for worship and sets the mood and the tone right so I had to deliberately force myself to focus and talk to God. It was a different sort of feeling. Not that "high" and positive all the time, but a more subdued and rested sort of feeling. It's not exactly my preferred mode of communing with God but I think it will get better over time.

Then when I was praying for a friend, I thought God telling me that He has a plan for my friend, and he's into a new growth phase now, and that he will stay in Singapore  because it will be good for him. I am of course skeptical because faith is not exactly my greatest gift. I am praying that I heard right.
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Long Weekend 1.2

At the heart of it all, even though we may seem to be on track with God, are we exhibiting the fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness?

It is strange how I always thought self-control is one of the fruit but it isn't. Hmmm..
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Long weekend 1.1

I needed a new book to feed my spiritual starvation, something I felt a few days ago but made more aware today because I rested enough last night. So I was in and out of the bookshop in 5 mins before catching my flight to Phuket.

The book Radical Dicipleship has been on my mind for a while and it's the latest book authored by one of my favourite bible expositor of the word, my former senior pastor. I enjoyed listening to his sermons because the Holy Spirit often prompted, nudged and inspired me to make a change regarding something or anything.

I was interested in the book after reading some quotations from his book from friends' status updates. It will be a good companion for this weekend along with the sweetheart and good friends . 😃
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A challenge?

God has this way of challenging me to deeper growth just as I thought I got a certain spiritual practice figured out. 

A friend shared this on his FB status:

Do we truly find comfort in God through the worship songs we sing?

Or do we find comfort in the songs themselves?

A test will be to do without the songs the next few times we seek comfort in God.

There is such a thin line between these two questions. is it absolutely necessary to know whether I find comfort in God through the worship songs I sing or whether I find comfort in the songs themselves? Doesn't the Holy Spirit move through inspired songwriting and tunes?

Got to spend some time figuring this out in the next week. Time to ZZZZ.

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Amplify 1.3 - the healing circle

healed people heal people. Ideally. Mostly, healed people move on to live their own lives, but who are we to say that they are not healing others outside the circle. And who is to say that they should remain in the circle where they got healed in, right?

I am thankful for the immediate spiritual circle I am placed in at this moment in time. Sometimes I feel a slight tinge of guilt whenever someone mentioned about the number of cell groups that I had been in before. :) There are different stages of growth in the different seasons I have been in different cell groups. But I am really thankful for this current cell group because nearly all my life, I have been searching for at least one person who has the same heart about people and same commitment to their spiritual growth, about the many things of God, and I finally found someone who speaks in the same language and who's able to mentor me in this next stage of my growth. When the question is asked about where I see myself 5 years later, my response is this: I wish to be able to pour my life into others' lives like how she's pouring her life into mine now.
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Amplify 1.2 - First aid rooms vs Fitness rooms

During Amplify, an example was given on how the church is often seen as a first aid room where people come in to seek help and medication and leave when they get their treatment. Instead of seeing the church as a first aid room, the preacher proposed that the church should be a fitness room, where believers come to train to be disciples of Christ.

I like to add something to that thought. The gym instructors in the fitness room should train the gym users to be gym instructors themselves. In this way, more people can be trained to be gym instructors, not merely practising the fitness routines that are taught to lead a fit and healthy lifestyle, but also having sufficient content knowledge and skills to empower other regular gym users. That's discipleship in action.
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Amplify 1.1 -Connect Group 4

Giving thanks to God for the privilege to serve as a connect group leader. Thankful for the group for sharing openly. Thankful for hungry hearts ready to receive from God. Thankful for people who are willing to be prayed for and who prayed for one another. Thankful for a good time of bonding with the overseas guests. Thankful for the friendships forged. And especially thankful for prayers answered.
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Day 3.4 - love thy neighbour as thyself

I don't believe that Jesus has called us to convert the whole world into Christians, where everyone receives Jesus into their life and accepts him as Lord and Saviour, grows in faith and knowledge and continues that process of evangelism and if someone we share with rejects the faith, we continue to share and pray for their salvation. This used to be my mindset, and though I don't do this actively nowadays, I still believe in this concept (mostly).

I think we have got it all wrong. Well, I got it all wrong. This revelation came on the flight home as I was reading about how our joy can be made complete in Christ. When Jesus came, his second most important commandment was for us is to love others as we love ourselves. I used to think "loving" them means to share the good news with them so they can taste God's goodness for themselves. And I used to think "others" meant firstly people I love and know; family members, good friends, friends, acquaintances, then the following group- the homeless, the refugees, the illiterate, the hungry, the elderly, the handicapped, the chronically ill, the prisoners and the countless people suffering under emotional stress. 

It is no wonder that our family members and friends are the least easy to share with regarding God's love. They do not see the need to rely on God because of the false security they get from their possessions. You know why people who are ill and on the death bed easiest to reach out to? They know they need a power greater than themselves to live beyond their condition. And it is precisely the above group of people that we should be seeking out to show love to. Because of their life circumstances, many have lost hope in life. They question their purpose of existence. Only the knowledge of the love of God for them can help them experience the reconciliation, healing, peace and goodness of God for themselves. A new purpose and direction for this next season of life? Perhaps.  

 "What have you done for the least of mine?" 

Matt 25: 35-45

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Day 3.3: Relationships

I think about relationships a lot. Not just romantic relationships, but relationships between people. I am always interested in learning more about what makes people tick, and what not. I enjoy learning about how people work.

I also always strive to be a great partner to the one I love. Sometimes I fail, and over the years, I grow to know my area of weakness. One is the inability to be emphatise fully when people close to me share about their frustrations and heartaches with me, to the point that they think I don't really care about what they are going through or that I couldn't help to make them feel better in any other way other than just listening. But sometimes, listening is not enough. I learnt that asking questions is very important. Being concerned and involved in the listening process is important. Sharing that I understand what they are feeling is very important. Giving them 100% of my attention UNTIL they finish sharing and show that they are ready to move to another topic is very important. I pray and ask for a supernatural power in helping those close to me feel understood. With friends and acquaintances, that may not be so evident because they don't expect a lot from me any way. A listening ear is sometimes more than enough for this group of people.

I read a few good articles about romantic relationships today and realise that reading positive articles like that help me to be thankful for that special person in my life. These articles also serve as a good reminder to me on what's important in a relationship. These are a few articles I like:

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/15-signs-youre-the-right-relationship.html

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/12-signs-that-youre-highly-cherished-relationship.html

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/tell-your-partner-these-10-things-for-relationship-built-last.html

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/10-ways-prevent-cheating-relationship.html

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/5-foundations-every-successful-relationship-needs.html

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/20-things-look-for-the-person-youll-fall-love-with.html

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Day 3.2 God hears the pleas of His people

As I am reading the book of Genesis, I am reminded that God is open to hearing the pleas of His people despite already having a planned course of action. It's possible to alter a course if we plead for things that agree with God's character.

In last week's service, Pastor Prince has exhorted the congregation to uphold our life with integrity so that it is evident that we are set apart and hence God be glorified. Jesus, I am willing to give up what doesn't honour your name. I surrender every aspect of my life to you right now and pray that I will say and do the things that will glorify your name.
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Day 3.1: is the one thing that I need, Your presence

" One thing I ask of the Lord, 
   this is what I seek;
   that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
   all the days of my life, 
   to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
   and to seek him in the temple."

Psalm 27:4

The One Thing - Angela Gan, NCC

Lord I'm here to sit at Your feet
to behold Your beauty
Speak Your word
Your voice I will heed
Let Your presence wash over me

It's the one thing that I need
Your presence is all I will ever seek
Overwhelm me with Your love
Till all I see is You
All I see is You
I want to see You more and more
Open my eyes

Jesus, all my fears they fade away
When I see You
When I see You
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Day 2.4: Pain and Suffering

"Joyful persons see with open eyes the hard reality of human existence and at the same time are not imprisoned by it. I believe that I know and share the many sorrows and sad circumstances that a human being can experience, but I do not cling to them. I do not prolong such moments of agony. They pass through me, like life itself, as a broad eternal stream, they become part of that stream, and life continues. And as a result, all my strength is preserved, does not become tagged on to futile sorrow or rebelliousness" - Etty Hillesum

If I don't understand Pastor Prince wrongly, I believe that he feels that pain, sickness and suffering are not in God's plans and that we can pray them away. He is a very powerful and anointed speaker, but this is one of the areas I don't quite agree with him.

Pain and suffering doesn't need to be bad. Life may be extremely hard, but light will always shine in the darkness and death will always bear fruit. There is no rainbow without the rain, right? Pain and suffering brings us to our knees where we connect with Jesus intimately, when we go through the pain and suffering that he went through when he had no reason to. Pain and suffering helps us lose that sense of entitlement, that sense of privilege that even if we are secure in our identity in Christ as the child of the most high, that we live in humility so that in all things, God can be glorified. 

Pain and suffering can lead to gratitude and gratitude and contentment is great gain. There is never a day that cannot be lifted up in gratitude to the giver of life. Pain and suffering is the reason why true joy can be experienced. 

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Day 2.3: Jesus the Supralegalist

"Jesus was a supralegalist, one who bursts through the socially provided curtain, at least on some points, to fresh perceptions and judgements."
-Erwin R.G

I have never heard of the word supralegalist but it hits the nail on the head when we speak about our radical Jesus. It is not that Jesus did not know the law well enough that he did not follow exactly what it says. It was precisely because of how well he knew the heart of the law, that he did what he did to teach us not to be legalistic.

This is another reminder to me to know the word of God well. It is in knowing the word of God in depth that we will not be set into legalism in fear of stepping outside the boundaries set by the law.

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Day 2.2: a thousand days cannot be compared to one day in your courts

Spent a wonderful morning free from distractions, just worshipping, reading and spending time with myself, and with God. 

Hunger headache strikes. Must get some food now.

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Day 2.1: You called me yours- forever

" So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander. Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation - if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good. As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ." 

1 Peter 2:1-5

Last week during the church retreat, I made a commitment to start reading the bible once again from cover to cover. For about a year now, I have stopped reading the bible regularly and have realised the consequence of that - an inadequacy in knowing God, not knowing God in His fullness.

I remembered reading something a few weeks ago; that experiencing God directly is likened to going for a holiday to a certain destination and experiencing the joy of being there, yet because of our limitations, we will never truly know what's out there unless we read travel guides written by different ones who have gone to different places. Similarly, the bible is so rich with the nature and character of God, and filled with so many people's experiences with the living God, the infinite God, that starting to read the bible from cover to cover is a good start to know God.

It's not mere coincidence I guess, that this sentence stood out from the chosen passage. I believe this season of life is getting back to the basics; to know God through His word, so that I can be one of the living stones being built up for the spiritual house of God.
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Day 1.2: Cornerstone

Themes rarely come up during my personal retreats. But "Cornerstone" seems like the word to focus on for this season.

As I began to read up more, I realised that the theme is not just about Christ being the chief cornerstone chosen by God to be the foundation of His temple. It is how every single one of us, individually, coming as living stones to build the church.

And this seems to be the anchor passage:

" So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander. Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation - if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good. As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ." 

1 Peter 2:1-5

More tomorrow. It's 1 a.m. Zzzzzz monster struck.

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Day 1.1: that breath of spirit

I am so thankful that God is in my life. I am so thankful for the power of prayers. I am so thankful to God for creating angels and bringing angels into my life in different ways to remind me of what's truly important. In a way, even as I fail, I do not fall so bad because there is cushioning at every level of the fall.

I am praying that these 2 nights away on this retreat will help me realise even more how beautiful my Saviour is. I am also praying for new directions, a new mind and a new heart. Praying for God to speak clearly into my life. 

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Death

I never feared death. Except when I am on a plane. But the few times I was travelling with the love, I thought that it will be fine even if the plane had crashed then. At least I was holding the hand of the one I love.

Today, I drove Dad to visit his sister and brother-in-law who had been diagnosed with stage 3 liver cancer. It was there when I learnt that there's a tumor in his lungs and one on his bone as well. He had just gone through a session of chemotherapy and will be going through a few more sessions in the weeks to come.

As I was observing everyone's interactions, I sense a kind of quiet anxiety, in my aunt, my dad and my uncle. They have all come to a stage in life where they know that death lingers at the doorstep, and it's sad when you know you can't do or say anything that will help them feel better at that point in time. It felt like they are resigned to their fate even though they may hold a glimmer of hope within that a miracle could happen.

I felt then that the most depressing thing about death is not death itself, for death, especially for Christians, give a hope of eternal glory with God. The most depressing thing about death is the suffering before. The fear of the unknown, the wait, the treatment, the post-treatment recovery which debilitates... the resignation to a state where life seemed meaningless..

For me, I am not afraid of death because I know I strive to live life with a purpose. And come what may, I will leave this life with no regrets. I am unsure if everyone else feels the same, especially with people I know personally, and people like my parents who are close to my heart. And so going through today reminded me how important it was for people to live life with a purpose.
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The God who is above all

You are God above all creation
You are God above all created ones
You are God above all rules and decrees
You are God above all laws and regulations

"Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the end 
Beginning and the end"

You are God beyond all our senses
You are God beyond all practices
You are God beyond our understanding
Beyond anything anyone can fathom

For you are God and God alone
Our extraordinary God
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be alert

this theme just came up as I was listening to worshipping music this morning.

just listening, not really worshipping.

and being alert is one of the best piece of advice that God has ever given to us.

Be alert and self-controlled! Alcohol doesn't help one do that.

Be alert and self-controlled! Alcohol doesn't inhibit the tongue from slipping.

I say, even when supposedly doing the things of God, be alert and self-controlled.

Worship music can be playing in the background, worship music can soften the heart and leave it vulnerable, for the devil to attack, if we are not alert. Be alert at all times!

Serving in ministry is a good thing and we can be in that zone where we can let God move. Or we can be moved by pride, ego, power... be alert..

Reading the bible is a good spiritual practice. And being ministered by God's words is a good thing. But be alert, that knowledge doesn't puff up. Be alert..

it takes a moment to slip.

lesson for today.
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I realised

When I find comfort and strength in God's presence that I often get reminded of my inadequacy and flaws and how the grace and love of Jesus just overwhelms me. There, I am humbled to reflect on my faults and seek forgiveness from God and then extend forgiveness, releasing the bitterness or anger within. Similarly, when I look outside of me to try to take the matter in my own hand and resolve it my way, I often find fault with the other and end up feeling more irritated and sometimes bitter. Such is the powerful presence of God.
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These past 6 weeks have been incredibly tough as the sweetheart has been away. I found it hard not because I have lost a companion. I do not think there’s difficulty in finding friends to chill and hang out with. And I had the opportunity to catch up with a few of my old friends, which is good. But it’s really more than the company and companionship. I do not really need people to be around per se. What’s hard for me though, is my need to connect deeply with a special someone. The absence of her makes it difficult because it’s very rare that we find a platonic friend whom we can connect with at that level, to be able to share, be heard and understood; it’s in not being able to give and do special things for that special one that is challenging; for that special someone to be attentive to what I say and how I feel; and to be physically close to that special someone I trust and love. I guess I now understand why God says for couples not to be apart for too long so that Satan might not tempt them because of their lack of self-control. Such wisdom.

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special prayer for friend this morning

I have a friend who has turned agnostic from Christian. When I first knew her, I felt kinda connected to her in the sense that I could feel the work of the Holy Spirit moving in and through her life. We could understand each other when we speak about things on that level. But life’s discouraging events changed her and her faith. I am thankful that she’s not entirely detached from the things of God. I am praying that God will once again touch her heart so she will get a fresh revelation of God’s love for her, that the God that she once communed with is still the same God amidst life’s struggles.

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The strength that comes from weakness

Only when we allow God to show us our weaknesses, acknowledge that weakness and start to surrender all of ourselves to God, then we allow the grace of God to work through us, to strengthen us. That solid anchor-like assurance and peace that only God can provide is the source of true strength.

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post meet ups reflection

In the past week, I had caught up with two friends I had not met for quite a few years now. The catch ups were enriching for me because they had caused me to reflect on my own perspectives on life and love. In this world, it is inevitable that our hearts will be broken as long as we open ourselves up to vulnerability. Before I had my heart broken, I used to believe in a perfect kind of happily ever after. But to guard our hearts from hurt is not to experience to the fullest what we are capable of feeling. Though the process of healing from a broken heart can be unbearable, it is when we experience pain that we start to open up the heart to a host of opportunities. When the heart starts to know what it is capable of and learns to work around what it has been inherently equipped with; that resilience, then growth and maturity can follow.. Every ache, every pain, every heart-wrenching moment adds on to the substance of the heart. It’s as if the old heart is slowly shed and replaced with a newer yet more mature one; one that is more ready and open to be vulnerable and absorb pain but only growing stronger after each experience. The mature heart still believes in a happily ever after, just a different type.

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Reflections

Thorns in the flesh bring us back to God, to remind us of the reality of pain and suffering in the real world and how only God can help us through and out of the situation.

Yet there's also another sort of circumstance that brings us closer to God - that very thin space which holds the struggle between doing what is right and what is wrong.  Being in that space leaves us no choice but to rely on the grace of God to sustain us. That space makes the heart open enough to experience the reality of life but also tender enough to allow the Holy Spirit to work. Being held in that space enables growth to take place.

"The Lord is my Strength and my [impenetrable] Shield; my heart trusts in, relies on, and confidently leans on Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song will I praise Him." Psalm 28:7 (AMP)
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Hillsong and other anti-gay organizations

so.... I think I have blogged about this before but yesterday, someone said that she doesn't understand why LGBT people support Hillsong when they are homophobic. My response to her is that I don't know of many LGBT people who support Hillsong, but I do know of quite a few LGBT who have been ministered by Hillsong's ministry.

Personally, I think it's better to be objective about this issue. Just because humans fail doesn't mean that God cannot and will not work through them. I know my God to be that omnipotent God who gives talents and gifts to vessels who are willing to avail themselves. So the ministry that flows out of the vessels, is not Hillsong, it's God. I believe we must separate the works of humans from the works of the Holy Spirit. Similarly, I do not believe that we should stay away from organizations that are anti-gay because God works in His miraculous ways. All that is required is for a tender and open heart towards God and the Holy Spirit will move and guide accordingly.
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Open relationships

I was commending a gay friend for being with his partner for 10 years already and asked how they did that. He said that if two persons are committed to keep the relationship, they will keep trying to understand each other's quirks and feelings even when they quarrel. That sounded good. Then I asked how they avoid temptations. He just commented by saying that guys and gals are different. So I proceeded to ask whether it meant that they are in an open relationship (which I shouldnt'). haha. He said he won't share that.

The statement "guys and gals are different" caused me to think a bit deeper about this issue. Do gay men have higher sex drives than straight men? I am not saying that straight men do not want to have sex with other women even if they are attached/married. But do they also have the open relationship concept? Because I certainly have not heard. At least it's extremely rare in the christian circle right? Which made me ask this question: How can gay christians lead their lives in a way that won't cause judgemental straight christians to condemn our "lifestyle"? Or should we not care and live as we wish?
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Being centred

Being back at the hotel room at the end of the day is always comforting (provided that the hotel room is comfortable and safe). It is where you can place all your bags down and plop yourself onto the chair, sofa or bed. It is the place where you feel most relaxed, where you get to clean up and just rest. It is also the time you get to reorientate yourself and your plans for the next day.

Similarly, for me, when I come to focus on Jesus again, either through that quiet place, through being in church, or through God's presence when listening to songs of worship, I feel centred. I feel at home, I feel that I am brought back to the path I was meant to walk on. My sense of direction is once again god-centred. My plans become god-oriented. It is good to be in this place. A day in His courts is better than thousand elsewhere.

Being centred strengthens me. It's as if Jesus setting an anchor in me, weighing me down so I will not waver, so that in times of desperation and need, I can remain grounded and draw strength from that tower of refuge.

When Jesus makes a home in our heart, I believe it is His way of reaching out to us intimately. This reaching out from the perfect God to the imperfect human always bewilders me. Always amazes me. Such amazing love.
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The fine art of balance

I like the idea proposed by Nouwen on about how we can offer a place for refuge and growth at the same time. He gave an analogy of a wounded bird that he holds in his cupped hand. If he opens the hand too much, the bird will try to fly, fall and die. If he closes his hand, the bird will be crushed to death. An intimate place, he suggests, is for his hand to be neither totally open not totally closed. There is where growth can take place. What is the practical application in our relationships today, especially for people who come to us with needs?
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“Take me to that place Lord, where there’s nothing else but me and you”

This statement is made possible only with the sacrifice of Jesus, where he tore the veil separating God and us. Where God was once viewed unapproachable, now we have direct access to Him.

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The most important first thing

This song is currently on repeat.

Holy holy holy

Lord God Almighty

Early in the morning

Our souls shall rise to thee

Holy holy holy

Merciful and mighty

God in three persons

Blessed Trinity

You are Lord, You are Lord

You reign eternally

You are Lord God almighty

My savior and my king

No matter how far one is away from the Lord, there are no obstacles in  communing with the Lord when one takes the first step in praising God  for His might and His glory, declaring God as Lord, Lord of all creation, Lord of all, including our lives. Our God is merciful, compassionate and loving and desires to draw near to everyone who seeks Him. All we need to do is to take the first step to praise and worship Him.

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I love long train rides

My best train journeys had been the ones in Europe eons ago. I remembered being extremely ministered through reflecting, contemplating and writing. Hence, long train rides were what I looked forward to for this trip. There were 5 main rides. Florence to Milan (2 hours), Milan to Florence (2 hours), Florence to Naples (3 hours), Naples to Venice (5 hours) and Venice to Florence (2 hours). And they have been great so far. Great views, comfortable (made better by 1st class travel).

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2nd morning in Italy

It is 8a.m. local time (1p.m. SG time). I slept at 10p.m. and woke at 630a.m. this morning (3a.m and 11a.m. SG time), trying to adjust my sleeping pattern so I won't suffer from jetlag when I arrive home. Jetlag is not fun when I have to go to work the next day. So no late nights in Italy. Early mornings instead.

I am currently sitting by my balcony reading the bible, having brekkie and staring at the majestic view I have over Florence city. The accommodation in Italy is extremely expensive compared to many cities I know, but at SGD 240, this is prolly the most expensive hotel of my entire stay. I was willing to pay more for the first night because I know 15 hours flying from Singapore to Florence (including the transits) won't be easy. And I was right. Before I went to bed at 10p.m. local time (5a.m. SG time) last night, I reckoned I only had 4 hours of sleep the 24 hours from the time I took off from Singapore till I arrived at this hotel at 7p.m. .local time.

I had a great time yesterday, but I couldn't do anything beyond touring because of sleep deprivation. I couldn't read my book nor bible and couldn't even engage with God while listening to songs of worship. Today's much better though I am slightly distracted from thinking about my travel plans for today.

Florence is very pretty. I am amazed at what I see every corner I turn. Two of my favourite cities are Edinburgh and Vienna because of the buildings' architecture and the grandeur of their Cathedrals. But Florence is Edinburgh and Vienna magnified many times over.

Today's going into the Tuscan countryside of Florence ONCE I OVERCOME THE INERTIA AND START PACKING. Ciaoz bellas.

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The retreat to Yangon

This trip has been kinda spectacular. Kinda because it was not exactly what I expected, just like Medan where I did a solo overnight retreat last year. I attributed that to the fact that they are developing cities, and more than that, of my unfamiliarity with the new surroundings and the cultures. And.. Spectacular because it's always awesome going to a new place for the first time.

It's always not easy getting accustomed to new areas and the people because you don't know how much you can trust is safe, which road to take when walking, which taxi to take etc. It was much better after the first few hours- at least I dared to look at and observe people instead of avoiding their gazes to avoid unnecessary problems.

On the last day, I had wanted to cry at one point in time, and no I wasn't feeling emotional because of PMS. So..I told the hotel staff I wanted to go to Inya Lake and they called a taxi for me but the translation might be lost somewhere and the taxi driver took me to Inya Lake Hotel and told me the lake is by the hotel. I was doubtful but couldn't think on my feet fast enough to ask the taxi driver to stay while I check with the reception. As expected, he had not brought me to where I wanted to go- the main area where there were coffeeshops near the lake. So I had to pay extra and take another taxi to the lake. I recovered after a while. And it all turned out well because I ended up paying just USD$2 more than if I were to take a taxi directly to the airport from my hotel. And I got to spend some time having a drink by that lovely lake.

More than that, I had a lot of time reflecting and contemplating. I thought about anything and everything concerning life, my family, the people around me and of course my love. I thought about work as well as my thesis. I had the time to reread the book of first Samuel and complete Viktor Frankl's book.

I had lots of down time too, watching telly, surfing the internet, reading trashy mags that the love had bought to entertain me with, and editing my photos putting them on Facebook and Instagram. All in this period of time from 4pm Monday till Thursday midnight.

It's been great and much needed before two days of hard work setting the English prelim paper and more editing before Italy (yes, the supervisor messaged me to ask when I can collect my revised chapter 1 and edited chapter 3). She has not abandoned me so that is good, but it will be tough ride ahead. But it's good I just finished reading Frankl's book, a great reminder to find meaning in my suffering and ride through it.. with a smile.

Everyone should read his book, but they should prolly write an abridged version of the book for weaker readers. I felt like I was reading a psychology textbook! 😱
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This made me go "Wow!!!!"

The question was whether an ape which was being used to develop poliomyelitis serum, and for this reason punctured again and again, would ever be able to grasp the meaning of its suffering.

Unanimously, the response was that of course it would not; with its limited intelligence, it could not enter into the world of man, i.e, the only world in which the meaning of its suffering would be understandable.

Then he pushed forward with the following question: "And what about man? Are you sure that the human world is a terminal point in the evolution of the cosmos? Is it not conceivable that there is still another dimension, a world beyond man's world; a world in which the question of an ultimate meaning of human suffering would find an answer?"

Viktor Frankl
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The meaning and purpose of love

"Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his/her personality.  No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love, he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true."

Viktor Frankl

Yangon Day 1

After several failed attempts in taking photos of an ariel view of the sea from the plane, I have learnt that certain scenes are best captured with the eyes and remembered in the mind. It is the same with experiences. Sometimes, it's more important to savour the richness of the experience rather than overanalyse it.
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Thoughts

Spiritual authority is accepted when there's a gap that the leader is able to help bridge, or if there's some area where the spritual leader can help stretch and grow. If there's no chance to grow, wouldn't the disciple look elsewhere that can help in spiritual growth?

I am looking to be spoken to in the heavenly relam, I feel that growth cannot be stretched with merely earthly logic and reasoning that another spiritual leader of another faith can replicate. I am looking to hear words inspired by the Holy Spirit, words that stir the heart and produces God-directed visions that inspires and empowers me to good deeds, so that I can be all that Jesus desires me to be.
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true power

gentleness and meekness are born of power, not weakness.

Having said that, I learnt from the book I have recently completed that we should avoid displaying our commitment to Christian discipleship in a way to make others feel guilty, taking care not to " break the bruised reed of the hurting Christian or snuff out the smoldering wick of the immature christian".

That is gentleness in action.
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the heavenly realm

when we are in the heavenly realm, we will speak of things belonging to the heavenly realm. We will pray in the tongue and the language of the heavenly realm.
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enjoying the mini-break

I am thanking God for sustaining me through that period of time when I was juggling teaching, marking, my research and my thesis. Now is a good time to fall sick because I actually get the time to rest. If not for the fact that I wanted to go out with the pie pie on Friday night without feeling guilty, I would have taken medical leave. The body aches and the chills were simply too exhausting. Thankfully, work that day was easy.


This period of time is a good time to do everything that I did not have the time to do before, (like clearing my room, shelving my Absolut collection and then realising that I have that many bottles and some extra which I shouldn't be keeping; clearing my email, catching up on reading, etc etc). This is the period of time where I stubbornly refused to do anything related to my thesis until my supervisor comes back with the revisions that I have to make. She had asked me to do some readings on the recent research (check April 2014 she says *rolls eyes*) but I shall wait anyway.


The weekends had been packed with outstanding appointments with people though! Not that I am complaining though there's a certain sense of obligation to meet people.


Have a great weekend everyone!
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from today's devotion

Verse:
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)


Prayer:
Dear Jesus, I am tired of living within my self-invented lines of expectation. Show Your strength through my weakness, Your sufficiency through my flaws. In Jesus' name, Amen.
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Importance of love

The fear of consequences may keep us from committing the outward acts of murder/adultery/etc. etc. etc, but only love will keep us from committing murder/adultery/etc. etc. in our hearts.

The naturally faithful person might stop short of dependability if it becomes inconvenient, but the godly person keeps his word even when it is costly.

And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”
Matthew 22: 37-40
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semi-cultural shock

and so, the sweetheart and I got invited to a small dinner gathering hosted by this rather high profile lesbian in town. I told the sweetheart before that I find that it's favour when people wants to meet up with us/have dinner with us. We have always known that she's a party girl. The only reason why I agreed to dinner was because I had quite a few conversations with her and I thought she seemed pretty decent beneath all the partying and drinking.


So.. the conversations were interesting and hilarious at times, but it also made me realised how different the content of the conversations can be in different gatherings. I have been too spoiled by the usual gatherings with the church gals and even the les fit group occasionally. This is the party group. Not to say their friendships are superficial, but sharing stories on partying, kissing strangers, sleeping with random people.. well... not exactly my cup of tea... I am just more boring and less spontaneous as I grow older. But I am also thankful that conversations about God and church always come into the picture and hopefully, when the time comes, they would have the desire to know more about God too.
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Arms Wide Open - Hillsong

My whole life is yours
I give it all
Surrendered to Your name
And forever I will pray
Have your way
Have your way
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unlikely couples

Last night, I met another unlikely couple who has been together for quite a few years now. Why unlikely? There are some people when they get together in a relationship that you think: they are perfect for each other. Unlikely = hmmmm, are you sure.. they seemed too different.. maybe their relationship won't last.


Well, I have met enough couples to learn that not all seemingly perfect couples will last and not all unlikely couples will not last. So thou shall not judge.


The couple we met last night, I think, seemed more keen to meet blondie than to meet to catch up. Afterall, we have not met for two years. I think the meet up went well, they seemed to want to do things together, so a Southern ridges walk, a tennis session and house visits are pending.


Though there are certain couples we find easy to click with, there are many that aren't too easy, and when they indicate an interest to spend more time together, I guess we should be honoured that we gained favour in their eyes? Or maybe blondie is the "local attraction" they are intrigued in.. *rolls eyes*.
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Keeping pets

I still think about Cookie from time to time. Whenever I think about her, I was brought back to the last scene at my sister's room, where Cookie was breathing very hard, with sadness and maybe fear in her eyes; how her eyes seemed to water when my dad walked into the room to look at her while I was googling "how do we know when a dog is dying".

I guess guilt is still haunting me. I ask this question from time to time: was there anything I could have done so that her death could be more peaceful and that all our family members could have lain with her till she passes on? Sigh. I told myself that I won't be getting another dog ever because I do not want to go through the entire pain of losing a pet again. I still feel the same way now. Yet I know my dad loves the dog that my sister's friend has put up for temporary adoption.

I think Winnie the dog could be a good companion for my dad. He could pat her, be entertained by her, and love her. And love gives people purpose and something to live for, so I think Winnie is good for dad.
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That intangible transformation

I have always known that in communion with God through meditation with worship music, there's an intangible transformation of sorts that happens.  But it's so intangible I could never explain how being in communion with God via worship music could bring about that transformation. Until today.

In the book The Practice of Godliness, Jerry Bridges postulated that the fear and the love of God will lead to a devotion and a desire for God. In listening to Christian music, meditating on the lyrics and contemplating God in His majesty, holiness and love, would that not lead to a devotion and a desire for God Himself? I think that describes the way how God changes me to be a better person. Yay that I can finally explain my experience tangibly. :)
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writer's block but still must write

some random thoughts that came to mind in the past week or so in conversations with people. I shouldn't be blogging this month so I could spend the time writing my soon-to-be-due thesis but I did not want to lose these thoughts.


Thought 1: Is it possible for someone who is single to fall in love with another person who is not like their image of the ideal partner? Yes I think.


But firstly, their hearts must be ready to be open to let love in. Secondly, they must let go of that ideal. It is not settling for second best, maybe there are different forms of an ideal one, and they have just met one of the many. If someone is ready to fall in love in all sense of the word, I believe God will send someone more ideal than their ideal in time to come. Simply because the love and commitment is reciprocated.


Thought 2: Personal responsibility came to mind. And in a startling way. With greater power comes greater responsibility. When the issue at hand may have an impact on a body of believers, it is of great imperative to exercise the sort of love that puts others' needs above mine.


Thought 3: When writing a will, and one is hesitant to will all their assets to their partners (assuming that no one else in their family needs the money), is that a reflection on how they view the relationship?
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Performing good deeds

I can't say I do not feel slightly disturbed when I hear messages like "the true mark of Christianity is helping the poor, broken and hungry, and worship and communion of God carries no weight if nothing like that is done".

I believe that communion with God is of utmost importance and should precede any good deeds simply because God has created us to have a relationship with us. With every touch of love from God and every ounce of empowerment from the Holy Spirit, we are able to do so much more than if we were to do it in our own strength. There is such tremendous strength in not only knowing that God loves me, but feeling the love of God overwhelm the entire being. Through the transformation made possible by God, I need not be "right" anymore. I learnt to let go of negative feelings and not take things personally so there will be no bitterness in my heart. In the midst of being transformed, I do less to hurt others and more to help. Of course, I have also experienced being fervent as a young Christian and desire to do good deeds. But if one is not aware that the inspiration of good deeds is from God, the likelihood of self- righteousness and pride is very high.

Sometimes, it requires the human will to do certain things that are difficult but how delightful it will be if every thing that one does comes from the leading and driving of the Holy Spirit. So yes, I do believe that something is wrong with our believing if we constantly live in our own world with God and praise and worship God for our own benefit. But I do believe that when we are transformed from the inside out, good deeds will naturally manifest. As Pastor Prince always says, right believing will lead to right living.
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Smokers

Smokers have this same smell.

I think it's the combination of the stale smell left by their cigarettes together with their cologne. They almost smell like they used the same cologne. I get a headache when I smell that.

So. I was having a headache today and decided to go for an upper back massage by my favourite foot reflexologist(he does upper back/full body massage too). Lo and behold, my headache got worse after I smelled that smell. Note to self: only seek his foot reflexology service in future.

It's more physiological than psychological. I get a headache very quickly from cigarette smoke. I think it's partly because I got very sensitive nasal pathways and sinuses. Oh well, similar to my allergy to alcohol, I think it's a protective mechanism given by God.

TGIF!
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The lives of others

Had the chance to catch up with my badminton partner last night. I nearly forgot we had an appointment to meet. But all turned out well. I had a chance to hear about her job as a social worker and what she does after she shared her woes on how desperately her mum was playing matchmaker for her. That story was entertaining in itself. I was glad she could keep talking because I was quite mentally tired from work. In listening to her, I gained some insights about life and learnt things about palliative care that I had not known before; information I might have to use in future. In fact, I shared with her my idea of writing about her life and her work during my sabbatical. Hehe.

Plus, my prata craving satisfied. So awesome.
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Another one?

And so, while I was collecting the worship devotionals from this Christian bookshop, I ran into my ex-church/CG mate who has worked there since forever. We talked a bit about church and cell groups and he expressed interest in visiting FCC though he said he has not heard of FCC (I didn't quite believe that because he's been working at at the bookshop for a long time, so surely he has heard something) plus, he is able to see everything I post on Facebook and that includes my views about being Christian and homosexual. I did sense something suspicious some time ago when he liked a public page Bears (which maybe only gay men would go to), or maybe he was unaware of a page as such.

I think, in giving information and details about FCC to him in the next conversation, I will most probably come out to him too. Whether or not he's gay is inconsequential. It's good for people to know that gay Christians exist. As for me, I am thankful that I am getting more comfortable coming out to friends, one at a time.
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Cell groups

Cell groups are important for the purpose that the like-minded come to encourage one another to be better than who they already are. It's both an opportunity to be authentic AND be accountable.

Now, it is good if the cell group has a climate that helps people feel safe enough to share honestly and authentically, but a cell group is more than that. I believe that some people attend cell group for the purpose they can look to someone who's going through the same life struggles yet desire to live a god-honoring life. It's in seeing how a fellow child of God rises out of his or her circumstance and continue to praise God; it is despite having wants and needs, that they attempt to put their human selves aside and surrender their plans, needs and wants to God. It is not success that is as important as trying to be a disciple of Christ; that beyond the temptations of the world, people know of one person who has, because of his/her faith in God, is a life encouragement simply by living a life to be the best God has designed them to be.

And I think at least a few people in any cell group must not lose sight of this general direction though there may be detours due to certain reasons and circumstances.

Last post from retreat. Adios!
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Day of purging and cleansing

I am so glad to be acquainted with the bible again. I can get so lazy when I do not have a routine in place to read the bible daily. I think part of the reason why I do not touch the bible as much as before is also because church and cell group do not require the use of the bible. I don't think that's too good but it surely tells me how much more disciplined I should be.


Anyhowz, in reading the chapter of James this evening (in the comfort of my log cabin bed), I realised that not all wisdom is good! That is a new perspective for me! I mean, I have always known the difference between godly wisdom and earthly wisdom but I have never seen wisdom as negative!


Check this out:


"Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbour bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.


But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness."


James 3:13-18


So.. there are two types of wisdom. The wisdom that comes from heaven (godly wisdom) and the wisdom that comes from earth (earthly wisdom). The wisdom that comes from heaven is pure, peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Therefore, if at any time we feel wise, we need to ask ourselves if this wisdom is from heaven. If not, it's prolly not from God.


Knowing this for me will help me to be acutely aware of my own thoughts and feelings. Woot! God is great!
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Retreating

This is such an important part of my life. Ideally, I wish to be deliberately spending this time with God every quarter. This time is no different, except that I had asked my sister if she wanted to come along because I know she loves travelling but she's mostly unwilling to go away due to financial constraint. I did warn her that I will be retreating most times and it has worked well so far. Of course, it would be better if I were truly alone but this is fine too.

I love the 4 hour coach ride up to Malacca. I had my ears plugged with praise and worship songs as I let the words minister to my soul, as I prayed along with the song, as I prayed for things and people that came to mind, as I took stock of my life and spoke to God about direction for my future, as I allow God to dig deep into my heart and expose my deepest thoughts. It was awesome.

The coach stopped us at Jonker St and we spent about 90 mins eating, walking around and packing dinner before cabbing to the resort about half an hour away. The resort is amazing and quiet. The negative reviews wrote about noisy sleeps because it's near the expressway. We got a room that is away from the expressway. Bad reviews also included being able to hear everything the neighbors do and say since the cabins are made of wood but we have the upper level so we don't get much disturbance. We got the whole pool area by ourselves and I spent a good 3 hours reading and worshipping some more. Glorious! Swam a couple of laps and had takeaway Nancy's kitchen food for dinner.  I wish I can stay another day but alas, work beckons. There is still another 3 hours (at least) back to Singapore.

Thanking God for making this possible.
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Spiritual authority

Many moons ago, while I was the overall facilitator for one of the girls' CG at FCC, I felt the need to be more than just an overall facilitator who takes care of the administrative matters in the group. I was more than an administrator but restrained myself from being too pushy in the things that I felt mattered. I felt a lack of spiritual authority over the group and attributed that to the reason that people may not like it if I do anything more. As time passed, I started feeling frustrated about the position I was in because I felt that God could use me more. I consulted my DGL then and asked her about the hows and whats of spiritual authority. Her response didn't quite satisfy, I remembered.

Today, I realized that before spiritual authority is given by God, we must be ready to allow ourselves to receive it. We must have grown more attuned with the holy spirit, and as we grow more mature in our relationship with God, we become more sensitive and more confident of the leading of the Holy Spirit in us. It is this quiet assurance and confidence that allows the Holy Spirit to lead us into leading. I think that's spiritual authority.

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the uncles who cleaned my car

Every time I drive into the petrol kiosk near my parents' place, a chinese uncle always tries his best to attend to me. While waiting for the car to be refuel, he would clean my car for me. If I were to go to a drive through car wash, I would have to pay $8. So I tipped him $5. Today, Uncle and another guy attended to my car. hehe. So I gave them $2 each. This sure beats car wash. Cheaper! And I can help the petrol attendants earn more!
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my retreat

and so, after much research and deliberation, I have decided on Malacca. Why Malacca and not other places?

Scenerio: I can only leave Wednesday night and arrive back at work at 3.30p.m. on Friday.

Places I considered:

Option1:

Phuket: Flight time, 1 hr 50 mins (I can read and meditate on the flight) and then chill and read by the oh so clean water and sand beach. However, I have to take the flight back on Friday. There is a risk that I will be late for work if another bugger decides to fly into Singapore airspace and airspace gets frozen for 50 minutes.

Option 2:

KL: 5 hours by coach. Love that idea because coaching to KL for me is the best time to meditate. However, if I take the coach Wed evening, I will arrive late Wednesday night and pay for a night of accommodation, wasting it. If there's traffic jam taking the 8a.m. coach back to Singapore on Friday, I am also unsure whether I would arrive to work on time.

Option 3:

Batam: Taking the ferry would give me motion sickness and no time to meditate at all. Sure, there will be the beach, but I figured I would be too distracted by the number of people and all the cheap things I like to indulge in over there. Think: Massage, manicure, pedicure etc.

Option 4:

Malacca, staying at boutique hotel Casa Del Rio: 3 hours coach, enough to read and meditate and still able to eat well when we arrive. Can continue to read in hotel balcony (really pretty hotel) or by the river and still be close to some action if needed (because hotel is just behind Jonker Street, the famous food and shopping street at Malacca). I also invited by sis to enjoy the hotel room with me because it's a waste enjoying it alone. I told her that I will only meet her for meals though. haha. However, the hotel was fully booked on AGODA by the time I checked again. And the official hotel website charges 800 MYR (338 SGD per night). Too expensive.

Option 5:

Malacca, staying at Philea Resort (about 30 minutes drive from Jonker Street). Rather secluded and good for a retreat. Average reviews but it fulfills the purpose. And it cost only $130 per night. So the plan is this: Coach on Thursday morning (which leaves Wed night free for me - so precious), can read and meditate on the 3 hours ride up. Arrive during lunch time. walk, shop and even do foot massage for about 2-3 hours (for sister's sake) before heading to the resort for part two of ohmming. Morning coach on Friday at 8a.m. back to Singapore. Woot. Should be back by 330p.m.

Yay! Can't wait. Need the time to take stock.
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After a long absence

Thankful to get a weekday afternoon off finally. This has been such a crazy term I don't know how I got through it. I am really thankful to God for strength to get through it, wisdom to know what to do and sending people to help along the way.

So I managed to see the dentist about the recurring sore on my gums two rounds of antibiotics later. The dentist took two xrays and concluded that it was indeed a gum infection as what my doctor has predicted. She gave me an injection to numb my gums and did a thorough cleaning. At of this moment, at the salon, I am still unable to control my cheek/mouth muscles.

Anywayz, it's back to work after the haircut. I am so thankful for the break next week though I have to go back nearly everyday. Namaste.
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That free day

I had brought the laptop with the purpose of blogging and doing some work but unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you see it, I didn’t get to use the laptop at all until I am on the plane now. It was an awesome break spending the few days at Gold Coast. I also had the opportunity to show the love a snapshot of Brissy and she likes it. That is good if we ever get to live there for a few years.

After she left on Sunday, I had the entire day by myself, something I didn’t mind at all. I really enjoy time alone for a day or two though I really enjoyed her company and missed her when she was gone. After sending her off to the airport, I walked the coast back towards the accommodation, on the beach. It was wonderful because I was plugged in and while different thoughts went through my mind, I could feel the spirit communing with God.

After about 45 minutes, I found a pavilion overlooking the ocean and stayed there for about another hour reading and meditating on what I was reading from the worship devotional that I had been reading periodically since September. I felt strongly convicted that every worship leader and musician serving in the worship ministry should read this devotional. The worship leaders shared about different aspects of the worship ministry, their ministry and lessons learnt about God. The common thread is the message on how we really need to spend time in the presence of God, getting to know God through the word, through communing so that we will have something to give to the congregation. Our skills, gifts and talents that God has given us can only bring us that far. If we do not experience first hand what it means to be ministered by the presence of God, how will we be able to bring that presence to the congregation. And so I will get one for every worship leader in church. If I could afford it, I would have gotten one for every musician in the worship ministry but alas, I am not that rich.

After another 20 minutes of walking, I finally arrived at the accommodation. I completed half my stack of marking in 2 hours and spent the next 2 hours frolicking in the water and letting the evening rays warm my sun-deprived skin. I could feel  work beckoning me after an hour but I decided that I needed to soak in the last bit of the horizon before the sun sets. After that, I showered and went to Macs to get some free wifi and uploaded some photos and replied to some messages. Then I packed some food and spent my time at the balcony having my dinner. I spent another 2 hours finishing up the marking whilst watching Brokeback Mountain on telly before going to bed.

What a productive but relaxing day!