Being Authentic

I love my ex-church. I love my ex- cell group too. Why did I decide to move fully to FCC? At FCC, I could be authentic and share my stories with people I could be totally out to! I could be myself and not let anything come between me and God. I started by visiting FCC occasionally, then to straddling between both churches to finally settling at FCC. 

That was my definition of being authentic then. But of course, like all things, we have to grow out of that dilemma of being gay and christian and move out of this area of sexuality and sexual orientation which seems to consume a large part of many lives.

Now, being authentic means simply to be who I am when no one's watching. To be authentic means to be the same person I am, to apply the same values and principles both in the absence or presence of people.

There is growth needed in this area, and perhaps an area to work on in 2013. Gambattte!
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Divine appointment or sheer coincidence?

C and I were in Sydney only from Wednesday late evening till Friday early morning. And the head of MCC women, Nancy Wilson, arranged for a women's gathering on Thursday evening. How cool was that! Nancy Wilson to MCC (NY), the latest inclusive church in the world, is like the Pope to the Catholics (so one of them said). And so we went. In that room of 30 women, nearly 3/4 of them were mature in age. And I thought: where are the older women in our church?

What are the reasons why we see only older women at MCC Sydney? Maybe they are tired of the partying and drinking life. Maybe they had found a life partner and wanted to focus on loving God and serving God together as a couple. Maybe they are tired of looking for a partner in the secular world because the relationships didn't seem to last and perhaps they think a christian lady may do the job this time. Maybe being in a christian environment feels warm in a cold harsh world, especially in a world where one is discriminated for being different this way.

FCC has grown a lot since the time I joined 5 years ago. But it's not the quantity that matters as much as the depth of each woman's walk with God. I am praying that God will help us grow deep in Him.

And then, I saw some tattoos on some of them. I reckon the tattoos used to look quite cool when they were younger.. Looking at their tattoos made me decide not to get any. :p
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A Lesson Learnt

Serving God actually gives more heartaches and disappointments, more so than all my life experiences put together, I think. I guess that is why serving is a natural progression from faith in Jesus. That's the only way to grow beyond the refreshment we get from our personal relationship with God through prayer, bible study, church services, etc. In the presence of imperfect humans (including myself) and the exposure to uncontrolled circumstances is when spiritual growth really starts. It is in serving that faith is seen in action. It's when I feel that all negative emotions and situations are working against me that I began to grow, to grow in trust, in endurance, in humility and in repentence.

I was lamenting on my own limitations, in the working of the gift God had supposedly given me, in doubt if the ministry was for me, was my calling. I learnt that my expectations of striving to do the best for God negated the working of God in my life. I was reminded that the core of all ministry is this: Am I in love with Jesus? Knowing that Jesus is all love and only love, everytime fear, isolation or despair begin to invade my mind, I need to remember that that is not something that comes from God. When I let self-doubt, disappointment, rejection and inadequacy affect me negatively, that's when I have relied on myself and not on the grace of God, that I have placed too much emphasis on myself and my work rather than letting God work in me, His vessel.

Like a very good reminder from Henri Nouwen's book yesterday, I have to trust that God is at work in me and that the way I am being moved to new inner and outer places is part of a larger movement of which I am only a very small part. The book reminded me that our present lives are all shadows of the second love and reveal the darkness that never completely leaves the human heart. And the radical good news is that the second love is only a a broken reflection of the first love and that the first love is offered to us by a God in whom there are no shardws. Jesus' heart is the incarnation of the shadow-free first love of God. How beautiful this revelation is!

So today, I will believe in this: Keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. Service in ministry is all about Jesus. We give our best and God will do the rest.
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prayer, obedience, courage

That was the process to my parents' salvation.

When I first received Jesus into my life 14 years ago, they had no objections. Afterall, my dad was from a mission school and my mum a non-practising buddhist. I was never that close to my parents to speak to them about religion. They weren't even present on the day of my baptism. But that was partly my ignorance. Then, I saw baptism as a natural rite after receiving Jesus into my life, not a marriage, so I deemed it unnecessary for them to witness my baptism. I was silly then.

I had invited them to a few of the church events through the years (when I wasn't running away from God because of my sexuality). My dad never wanted to attend them but mum went to one of the Mother's Day Celebration service. She had never gone back since. In the daily conversations with them, I gathered that Dad didn't want to attend church because he thought that if God had existed, there wouldn't be so much suffering in this world. Mum didn't want to attend church because she didn't want people to come up to her to speak with her. Even after I addressed their concerns, they never were open to receiving Jesus into their lives, citing the reason as being too busy to think about " things like that". Slowly, I started giving up, especially after I started attending Free Community Church (where at least 90% of the congregation are LGBTQ). I am not out to them yet, and attending and serving in FCC actively means one fewer avenue to expose them to the love and grace of God.

7 months ago, dad was diagnosed with cancer of the salivary gland, stage 4. It was too sudden. Everyone in the family was devastated. While contemplating if he should go for a major life-threatening surgery to remove a massive tumor on his gums which has grown into/around his jaw bone, we spent a lot more time going out for dinners, eating food that he wanted to eat, that he was comfortable eating. I was shaken and praying a lot, mostly for God's miraculous healing on dad.

During the two days where I had to take my dad to different specialists to confirm if he really needed the surgery, I felt God's prompting to share with dad and mum about praying to receive Jesus into their lives.. I struggled. Inviting them to go to church was okay, telling them about God was okay, sharing to the extent where I had to ask them whether they want to believe in Jesus? Not so okay.

I prayed, I asked my ex DG members to pray, I asked my cell group members to pray. I prayed and prayed for courage. My mind told me it was impossible and terribly awkward to share and ask. But I knew God was saying: This is the time. So over lunch, I started. I started sharing with them about the unpredictabilities in life and that one certainty we could hold on to. I spoke to them about the promise that God has given us, the gift of eternal life through Jesus, and the invitation He has for my parents. The words that came out weren't my own. I knew. The day was still long. I stopped for them to digest what I had shared and prayed for God to make tender their hearts to receive His message.

After lunch, I continued the sharing in the car on our way to see the next specialist. By then, I was thankful I had my shades on, because I was tearing while I was sharing how wonderful God had been and what a change He had brought about in my life. I told them that all that was needed to receive peace and joy despite difficult situations and live the abundant life was simply to pray to receive Jesus into their lives. I told them about my brother who already received Jesus, that one day, we will all meet again in heaven when our lives on earth end. Still, I didn't ask them if they wanted to receive Jesus yet. I felt that wasn't the time. I could sense that they weren't rejecting the gospel. But they were quiet. So I stopped sharing again and prayed for the Holy Spirit to work in their hearts. I texted my DG and CG members to pray again. I updated them and told them that I was going to ask my parents if they wanted to pray and receive Christ on the way home. And so I did. They said yes. I was so estastic but in a calm tone, I told them that we will pray together when we get back home, and so we did.

I invited my helper, a catholic, to sit with us in a circle too so my parents won't feel so awkward, so that I won't feel awkward. My mum even took out her ipad to record the whole process. I took out the evangecube and shared the whole gospel with them again. Then I asked them again, if they wanted to receive Jesus into their lives, they said yes. I asked them to follow me in prayer. We held hands and prayed. My mum was tearing with all the nose goo dripping on the floor (she wasn't able to wipe it off because we were still holding hands). That was the happiest day of my life. And I was terribly grateful to God that that day finally happened. At least the most important part of their lives was taken care of.

I attended my ex-church with them for the first 4 weeks together with my best friend at work (whom I am out to). For the subsequent weeks up till today, her husband and her were my parents' companions in church. Prior to dad's surgery and during his recovery, their cell group had been keeping dad in prayer. Now both mum and dad are being followed up by the cell group leader's wife. I am so thankful they are taken care of. Really really thankful.

Next hurdle: Coming out to my parents.
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travelling alone

so my most recent trip was a 3 day 2 night retreat to Medan. Alone. The trip was refreshing and I felt extremely rested.

People give me funny looks whenever l told them I went there alone. Their questions include: Do you have a lover there? Do you have a family there? Are you there hoping to meet someone?

I can't really make people understand why I have to be overseas for these personal retreats. This would be the fourth trip I had taken alone to a foreign place, not knowing and not meeting any friends there. The first was a 9 day trip to Tasmania about 16 years ago, the second, a three day trip to Rockhampton at Queensland about 14 years ago and the third was a 4 day trip to Tioman about 8 years ago. For the rest of my personal retreats, I usually had friends wherever I went so I won't consider it to be a lone(r)retreat.

Ideally, I prefer to take these trips at least twice a year. It's a time when I spend time alone, with myself and with God. I relish time spent with God reflecting, reading, realigning my goals, praying and hearing what He has to say and where He leads me in the next year.

When I intend to travel alone, I usually avoid human contact. I really have no desire to make friends or make conversations unless necessary. Some tips I apply when I take trips like that:

1) Minimise eye contact
2) Do not linger at a place for too long
3) If you have to linger at that place, put on your headphones so others won't bother you.
4) When others make conversation, let them go into a monologue by answering questions directly without elaboration.
5) Do not attempt to be too nice even when you feel the need to have a conversation with them.

Of course, applying all these steps may not work all the time. There are always strange people who come up wanting to start a conversation when they see you alone. Perhaps I looked lonely.

On my first trip to Tasmania, my encounter was with the son of the hostel owner. I wasn't really wary of him because we were around the same age. He taught me how to play the electric guitar and showed me the drum set in his friend's caravan.

I took a road trip alone to Magnetic Island at Rockhampton (about 3 hours away from Brisbane) and spent some good time there alone too. But I didn't really feel alone because my girlfriend was at Brisbane, not too far away.

On my third lone(r) trip to Tioman, the staff at the beach resort kept asking questions on why I was travelling alone and I could tell they weren't satisfied with the fact that I wanted to spend time alone. I ended up playing cards with them one night. I guess I was still young then and didn't know how to be detached.

This time, I was working out in the gym at the hotel and there came this guy who took the bicycle machine beside my Skiing machine. He started speaking to me in Bahasa Indonesian and when I told him I only spoke English, he asked a few questions to which I answered simply and directly. When I went to the weights station, he came by and asked if we could share the station. I told him I was done and he could have it. I think he got the idea after that.
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post-retreat

the golden meadows, the dragonflies leisurely grazing,
the family of squirrels having their morning fun,
the unusual sounds of the unknown bird,
interrupted by the occasional sight of a passing car

the random ant crawling across the pine table
the warmth of the sun, the cool from the fan
the periodic raising of hands in exalting, in surrendering..
the overwhelming joy and thankfulness

the glorious songs of praise
from the Ipod to the Marshall
thoughts translating from the heart
to the mind, through the fingers to print

I could stay here forever.
But sigh, duty beckons.
Homebound!
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dreams, visions and interpretations

I am currently reading the book of Daniel for QT. I am once again amazed at how God enabled Daniel not merely in describing King Nebuchadnezzar's dream, but in interpreting the dream in such great details. The entire narrative was simply mind-blowing! But I was also reminded that that was made possible only by the power of God working within Daniel.

This also brought me back 15 years ago, when I witnessed this gift of God present in my girlfriend then. I was continually amazed by how she could interpret signs and visions so vividly, in great details. It was even more amazing then because she was not particularly doing well academically. I remembered being extermely impressed at the depth of perception and wisdom she had. It showed me how powerful our God is and how His grace is made perfect in our weaknesses.

Ammmmmmaaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzing!
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Cell groups

 

This entry needs to be written. Cell group is something I feel passionately about. Just yesterday, I was having a conversation with my penpal about people not feeling loved and supported in cell groups. And this evening, my cell group is having a discussion on the direction for next year.

I am very idealistic when it comes to life in a cell group. To me, a cell group is my family. For where God places me in, I try my best to be around for the people in the group and I try to make them the most important people in my life next to my biological family members (not that this should be the case). That means ensuring that I am there if they need, and even if they do not need, I try to add value to their lives as much as possible. That's how I grow to love the people in my cell group. 

As I have learnt before and believed very strongly in, a cell group has three purpose in our upward relationship with God, our inward relationship with one another, and our outward relationship with those outside of the group. It is basically being enabled to walk closer to God through knowing Him more, in worship, in bible study and in the learning of the different aspects of God based on everyone's sharing of how God has worked in their lives. It is learning how to love and care at the capacity that Jesus exemplifies when he tells us to lay down our lives for our friends. It is to reach out to those who are lost, those who are left out, those who do not know the love God has for them.

Cell groups are about accountability. Accountability means that for whoever God brings into the cell group, we are accountable to them and they are accountable to us. Accountable for what? Accountable for spiritual growth, accountable for what happens in one another's lives. When everyone in the group has that mindset, everything else will naturally fall in place. When we know that we are responsible for each and every one's health and growth, we will know that we need to care and love beyond our natural emotions. In giving more, in praying more, in struggling to care beyond what you feel, we will naturally love more, care more and give more.

Often, when we feel that we are unloved and unsupported and distanced from the group, do we ever ask the question whether we are taking our initiative to love enough, support enough and care enough?

What does all these mean? I like what my ex-boss says "no one left behind". Indeed, we move forward as a group, leaving no one behind.

Practically, this will lead to how important it is for the cell group to be structured. We want to ensure there's a system to simplify matters and make processes efficient. We need a leader to discern the direction for the group. That doesn't mean unilaterally making decisions but taking all the feedback given and then making a decision based on what they discern where God is leading the group. We need an administrator to ensure that cell group happens, where everyone in the group is kept updated on what happens from week to week. We need a treasurer to ensure that there are sufficient funds so there is one point of contact whenever funds need to be used as a group. We need a birthday IC so we can celebrate monthly birthdays as a family. We need a prayer IC to disseminate info on what to pray for  for everyone based on what the holy spirit leads. We need everyone to be involved not only in the week that they are facilitating, but in the week to week, caring about how each and everyone in the family is doing. This kind of accountability calls for members to let the cell group leader and the facilitation leader knows the reason why we cannot make it for cell group, so we can pray specifically.

I am praying that everyone will learn how to love and care at that capacity; when we let the love of god overflow from our hearts so it naturally outflows into others' lives.

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my straight christian friend

I have been classmates with C since 9 months ago. Because we stay down the street from each other, we spend lots of time talking on our way home after lessons. On one hand, I am very thankful that I am able to come out to someone I consider a good friend. On the other hand, her expressiveness in declaring her love and affections for me (jokingly of course) makes me uncomfortable at times.

C is a good christian girl, cheeky at times, but with her foundations and beliefs in place. Her view of homosexuals is the same as most "mainstream" christians; " We accept you for who you are but we do not condone your lifestyle if you are in a sexual relationship with someone of the same gender." I am sure we all had christian friends who had said that to us at some point in our life.

Fortunately for me, C's not like that. She is more open than many christian friends I know. Others would try to avoid this topic as much as possible. Because she seemed so open to the concept of same-sex relationships, I initially suspected that she could potentially be closeted. But I was wrong. After many conversations with her, I think she's perhaps 90% heterosexual, and her traditional christian beliefs will inhibit the remaining 10%. ;)

I figured that the reason why she could be that open was because of her gay buddy. She has a very close colleague who's gay, so she's exposed to the "gay lifestyle". and I really do mean lifestyle because her buddy is one of the typical gay men who believes that it's okay to have sex as long as the other party wants it too. Because of all the sharing she has been exposed to, she has come to a level of openness that helps her to be more open-minded to the concept of love in a same-sex relationship.

What's the application from this sharing? Firstly, it helps to come out to people around us; the more people are exposed to LGBTQ peeps, the more "normal" this "concept" will seem to them over time. Secondly, discern the type and the amount of information we share with them. We can be authentic and open, but timing is also very important. It is loving and caring to protect our friends and loved ones from information that would cause them to stumble. It is not just about us. Most importantly, if we want people to know that being a gay christian is possible, we have to live in a way where the only difference between straight christians and gay christians is our preference in the gender of our life partner. A personal life testimony is more powerful than our knowledge of God and the bible in our current time and age.
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What a Wild Night!

For the badminton gals, that is.

They are such darlings, all of them. We were having supper after the weekly badminton session on Wednesday. The conversation around the table made me laugh till my sides ached. Some of the gals were recounting their last partying session and it sounded hilarious! One of my dear friend even printed out "Come join the Les Fit Running Club" name cards and gave them out to the gals in the club! Talking about evangelism! I thought that was something only Christians do! ;)

They asked if I was going for the girls' party at Bellini's this Saturday. I like to hang out with happy people, but somehow clubbing is not my kind of scene. Shouting out a conversation over the booming music, drinking heaps till drunk, dancing in public view of others, and having to conform to the sort of games the inebriated play is not exactly my cup of tea. It's a great place to watch my friends go crazy but not an ideal place to "spend quality time" with them. So I declined. In any case, it's gonna be a busy Saturday for me. Maybe coffee another time would be better.
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In My World of Labels..

Stone Butch, Butch, Andro Butch, Andro, Andro Femme, Sporty Femme, Femme Femme, and two new terms I believed I coined a few years ago; Futch (femme on the outside, butch on the inside) and Bemme (butch on the outside, femme on the inside).

This is the continuum in my world of labels.

Long ago, labels were necessarily for many, despised by some. The opposite may be true now, judging from the conversation I have been having with different groups of friends.

Personally, I find labels useful in helping me describe someone new to another friend who has not met that person e.g, " Have you met that new girl from church, the trendy andro-looking one?" etc. I find labels an interesting start to a conversation where we generate ideas on how specific labels would look like and how they would behave. I find fascinating hearing people talk about labels in their own lives, including how they label themselves, and how others label them.

I think, God has created each and every one of us unique. We put ourselves in a box when we label ourselves and constrain ourselves to a role that may not be necessarily who God has designed us to be.  Who we really are is who God has designed us to be; right from the beginning when He had given us our form, to our life experiences that make us grow, that cause our personality to change, and our character to be moulded to what it is today, so instead of merely looking at the form, it is perhaps more useful to look past the surface and see the substance we are called to have.

The book of Galations starts with strong reminder from Paul: It is for freedom that Christ has set us free! We live our lives not by labels but by the Spirit. We are called to serve one another, humbly in love. God has called us to walk by the Spirit. And the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things, there is no law, nor labels. So it is for everyone to care, to love, to nurture, to mediate, to serve, to tolerate, to give, to share, to be gentle and to have self-control.. despite of labels.

So, in the spirit of labels and its stereotypes.... I have two pink caps, one pink watch, am addicted to strawberry kit kats, have been buying strawberry chocolate in substitute of the strawberry kit kat, bought strawberry milkshake malt balls from Candylicious (OMG, that place would make any kid so happy - well it did make an adult estastic last night) , had Ben & Jerry's strawberry cheesecake ice cream for supper last night and strawberry yogurt for breakfast this morning. Am I femme femme then? Having so much pink in my life? :)
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Why this blog?

Inspired.

I was inspired by a fellow churchmate's blog: http://gaywithgod.com.

Very often, in reading others' thoughts, reflections and life stories, people catch a glimpse of their own lives too. And because it is my personal belief that knowing oneself is the first stage to a fulfilling life, I am starting this blog in the voice of a christian lesbian blogger. Hopefully, my stories, thoughts and reflections can be a blessing to others. :)
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