a new book title

" I Killed Another Cockroach in my Car: The Story of a Food Addict. "
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post badminton

and so, because it was a Friday and I had no classes that night and no work the next day, I could make it for badminton at that godforsaken place (from my home) and supper with the sporty ladies thereafter. The conversations ranged from dirt-biking to go-karting to drifting to bungee jumping to skydiving and to...... "would you allow your partner to read your phone messages?

Would I? Why not? Too tired to elaborate. Maybe next time.

It was a good day. My queer agenda today was to wake up later than usual (8a.m.!) yay! went for Good Friday service with Mum and helper but realised we were 1 hour late (made a boo boo.. sigh). But the service was short and sweet for everyone so that was good. Spent quality time with mum and helper over brunch before shopping for groceries. Read the papers from cover to cover (such a good feeling), did some marking & bought air tickets to Chiangmai. Woot!

Went to visit dad at the hospital and took him out for a walk. Went for badminton and supper thereafter. Whilst driving back, I was prompted to pray for a tender heart for myself. I wonder why.. who will I be meeting the next few days.. hmm.

Anywayz, thankful for a productive day!
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Devotion during Retreat

"Then I will remember my covenant with Jacob and my covenant with Isaac and my covenant with Abraham and I will remember the land. For the land must be abandoned to enjoy years of Sabbath rest as it lies deserted. At last the people will pay for their sins, for they have continually rejected my regulations and despised my decrees. But despite all this, I will not utterly reject or depose them while they are in exile in the land of their enemies. I will not cancel my covenant with them by wiping them out, for I am The Lord their God. For their sakes, I will remember my ancient covenant with their ancestors,whom I brought out of the land of Egypt in the sight if all the nations, that I might be their God. I am the Lord." 

Levticus 26:42-45 

The land must be abandoned to enjoy years of sabbath rest while it lies deserted. How many times have moments of desperation, despondence and isolation brings us to our very knees and back to the arms of God, to his very heart for us. Indeed, it is in our emptiness that we feel God most intimately, and find God the closest.

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Solitude

I am convinced that solitude is not a time nor place to be defined. I am convinced that solitude comes when we free our mind of all distractions and bare our hearts with full abandon to seek God and to hear from him. For me, that happens most frequently when I am driving alone on familiar routes, worshipping to music playing in the background. That's when God speaks and reveals most audibly. And amazingly.

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travel plans for 2013

February: Bali (birthday treat)
March: Malacca (women's retreat)
April: Bali (tentative family trip)
May: Chiangmai (confirmed holiday with my bestest holiday mate)
June: Hong Kong & more (confirmed church conference)
July: Sydney Hillsong conference (dreaming about it)
August- December: Pending

If I had the capacity to, I would fly to Gold Coast every weekend. I love that freaking place. And it's so much more tempting to fly there now that Scoot flies there for SGD 587 even during peak season. And the airport is just minutes away from that gorgeous beach with that endless coastline.

I nearly booked a one day trip to Penang/KL for today. But the rational part of the mind took charge.

bleah. I also want to be a bummer.
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tough love

my old friend said that's my style of discipline. My HOD Math said my parenting style seems quite relaxed. Too different point of views. Which is true? Both. I like to be sweet and accommodating to a reasonable extent of not spoiling the child UNTIL they throw unreasonable tantrums. Then I will be stern.

Whilst we were catching up over dinner with each of us taking turns to manage my friend's 2 year old son, lessons I have learnt from studying Developmental Psychology kept screaming out this thought:  "Don't spoil your child. He will be difficult to manage in future". But I guess some parents love their kids too much. Overly attentive and protective parents have led to the child suffering from some form of anxiety disorders. And of course when they are too used to getting their way, conduct disorders too.

Parents need to be educated about how to bring up children properly for their future's sake. Sigh.
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a promotion and the yearly increment

which gives me a double increment from this April. I thank God for his graciousness and favour. This grading was similar to previous years, which means I got the grading not because my ex-P likes me (yes I did wonder from time to time because I always felt that I didn't deserve an above average grade). So it's really favour from God.

That is great news after the notification of the performance bonus I receive. But it is not so much the extra amount I get that matters to me. I was just reflecting whilst driving today. I am happy not because of the absolute amount of extra money I received though it helps my current situation quite a bit. I am happy because I have the extra monies to give to my loved ones in ways which makes them feel loved.. it is this capacity to give that makes my heart filled with joy. Money can be a very effective servant. I use it most often to buy time and reduce stress, which helps free me from being able to be more effective in other areas of my life.

Anyhowz, it's really getting difficult to plan to leave when they keep giving money to us. Yet I believe God's timing is impeccable. When it's time to leave, it will be time to leave. Meanwhile, just walk daily with the Lord.
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a question asked during the retreat

someone asked me how I know who to help and who not to help when there are so many people around who needs help. She asked me how I choose. I couldn't really give her a proper response but it was a good question to reflect on.

I was brought back to my life history of "helping" people .. and I guess my most accurate answer is this: God puts many people in my path, and sometimes, God convicts my heart to do more for certain people or spend a bit more time with them. But I always believe it is seasonal.  Now, this is the part that I am not sure if it was God's leading or my own flesh acting; the duration of time spent with each person. Often, I pull away when I sense neediness, overreliance and a reluctance to pick themselves out of the situation even though they could do that. That's why I am not a counselor in occupation. Sometimes, I also pull away when I sense that they need something that I have no capacity to give. But capacity is relative in most cases.

I only can pray for more of the Spirit's leading and less of my flesh acting.
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My only free day

What I had planned:

Wake up leisurely
1030- Fetch Bro to work
1100- Swim and Chill at Pool
1230- go to the hospital
1330 - collect glasses
1400- foot massage
1730- shopping: OG, Yamaha
2100- badminton

This was what happened:

1040- Fetch bro to work
1130-Dropped helper at hospital
1200-Swam and chilled
230- hospital
430- collect glasses
530- Head to town
545- Foot reflexology
630 - Shopped
2100- badminton

And so that's my queer agenda on my only free day.

Tomorrow: netball training for the kids in the morning. Go to the hospital. Do work. Practise retreat songs with keyboardist.
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Thanksgiving.

The best part about being in public service is the bonuses. The bonuses I have been getting is a third of my annual pay.

And once again, every single year at this time of the year, I am extremely grateful to God for His graciousness in provision. God never fails to exceed my expectations, year after year. I often find myself undeserving of that amount I get..not because I don't do my work nor do my work well.. but I believe that their workload is signficantly heavier than mine and I get paid more monthly. I am benefiting from the Singapore's system of meritocracy..

The amount will come in very handy when the family trip happens. Flying via SQ and staying at a 5 star hotel for 6 people won'tt come at a low cost. I can't wait. But we just gotto wait for Dad to be ready.

I got myself a new pair of glasses and I am super excited to collect it tomorrow! Woot!
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My darling bro

I was getting worried for my brother for a while, actually, a long while because he didn't seem to go out to hang out with friends.. He's 20.

One day, about a month ago, he told me that he was going clubbing for the first time and asked me what he should wear. I was surprised he told me, but glad too. He came back dead drunk with a hangover. I didn't think anything much of it, perhaps just thankful nothing happened to him. I was secretly glad because I don't think he would drink that much again. Sometimes people learn the hard way, right?

Then when I caught him smoking and found out from my helper that he has been smoking for at least 10 months, I was very heartbroken.

He denied, of course. And totally didn't talk to me for a few days. When he wasn't home by 1130p.m. tonight, I felt the need to text him, and thought it's probably better that he knows that we care about where he's at. And I think I was right. We started talking a bit on whatsapp.

I am unsure which I prefer more; him without any social life, or hanging out with his friends who drink and smoke. I have already told him how I felt about this whole situation. Hopefully, he will come out of it soon.

I think he will be fine. God loves him more than I love him.
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The left side syndrome

I coined this condition because I have had a few problems on the left side of my body. I have chronic  sinus problem which causes pain above the left eye and on bad days, on the left side of the forehead too. The lymph node on the left of my neck is swollen as well, prolly due to that sinus infection (maybe-I like being my own doctor). I thought I broke my left premolar about a week ago but it was just the filling which broke so I had a refilling. I have a chronic bad strain on the left side. I have a sore on my left inner thigh. My ligament in my left knee feels twisted or I have been limping for the past day. So that's the left side syndrome. But it is well, with my soul.

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Regarding my dad

I am unsure if I feel grounded because of God's love and grace that anchors me. Or if it's the heaviness of the mood and the heart that cause that feeling of being grounded. 

I guess it could be the former because I can sing "it is well with my soul".

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on repeat

Oh You Bring - Hillsong United

VERSE 1:
Oh You bring hope to the hopeless
And light to those in the darkness
And death to life
Now I'm alive
Oh You give peace to the restless
And joy to homes that are broken
I see You now
In You I'm found

CHORUS:
And You opened the door for me
And You laid down
Your life to set me free
All that I am will serve You Lord
And You opened my eyes to see
All the wonder and awe of Christ in me
Jesus You're everything I need

VERSE 2:
Oh You fill those who are empty
And rescue those in the valley
And through it all You calm my soul
Oh You find me in my weakness
And heal the wounds of my heartache
I worship You in spirit and truth

BRIDGE:
All honour
All glory
All praise to You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ICui-tFOFo&list=PL7A535EE91336114D&index=9

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Overcoming

My days have been like these:

Wake up. Teach. Mark(sometimes). Home. Shower. Leave home for hospital. Assignment. Exercise (sometimes). Dinner. Practise for worship. Non-stop. It’s getting tiring and it’s bothering me because I have so many thoughts but no time to put them down. I have no capacity to reflect and not much capacity to give of myself.

Sunday 1.30p.m. and the load will be lighter. Can’t wait. In the meantime, this passage really sustains me:

 

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40: 28-31
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breathe.

My queer agenda today: Work, Church, practise for Women's retreat, practise for International Women's Day service, changed guitar strings, looked at my growing tummy and lament the fact that I have neither time nor energy to exercise. Tomorrow, god willing.

it is a very busy season in my life. I feel overwhelmed very rarely but I am really up to the limit this month. I am praying for God's strength to be with me. *takes deep breath*

Will be back soon.
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