Emotional Vulnerability

Today, I was reminded of a few occasions on how people have shared about their desire to relinquish control on certain aspects of their lives and let God take control.

I thought about the relationship between control and vulnerability today. I realised that the reason why people do not allow themselves to be vulnerable is because they do not want to give control over to the person they choose to be vulnerable to.  

Vulnerability is very complex. It has many layers. Sharing your life with someone does not equate to being totally vulnerable. It is more than sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings with someone. Being vulnerable is laying everything out on the table AND knowing that the person you are being vulnerable to understands completely what you are sharing and how you are feeling. Being vulnerable is letting someone into your thoughts and feelings. It is being aware that it could open one up to hurt. In being vulnerable, one starts to share their most honest thoughts and feelings with another, and when that happens, it opens up a door for the listener to either consciously or subconsciously use that information in a way which may cause hurt to the person who has chosen to be vulnerable.

And sometimes people seem heartless also for that reason. The cost of vulnerability can be too high especially when they know that it takes them only a moment to cross that line to the possibility of being hurt. It is indeed a precious gift when we find someone we can be vulnerable to totally and still know that our hearts are safe in their hands.

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i exercised compassion on myself today

This morning, Dad was watching the news and I could hear the news reporting on the Women's Tennis Association's finals currently held in Singapore. I remembered then that Dad used to be a big tennis fan. I asked whether he wanted to watch the match. And I knew he wanted, because whenever I ask if he wanted to go somewhere or watch something before, his response would almost be immediate. This time he hesitated. Not only that, he asked how much the tickets are.

Ever since Dad was diagnosed with cancer, I have tried my best to ensure that he gets to enjoy as many experiences as possible, things he had not experienced before because his priority was on saving money for family related matters (and other stuff I don't know of), but he never really spent money on himself on holidays, concerts, musicals, etc. I  could have lamented and blame myself on a slipped opportunity to let him experience a world class live tennis performance, but I didn't. I learnt to exercise compassion on myself this morning, I went to look into getting tickets for him. All the category 1 tickets for the finals were sold out, so we are watching the semis on Saturday. Looking forward! :)
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introverts and writing

extroverts and introverts express themselves in different ways.

extroverts express themselves openly. In dance, in speech, on social media...

Introverts prefer to write. In diaries and secret blogs. And in their minds...

It is rare for introverts to express themselves outwardly, so dance can be very liberating for introverts, me thinks. If they even start dancing at all :D

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Saturday morning muse

the ear hears the sounds of creation
the eye sees the effects of the wind
the scent of nature caught in the air

the senses receive and process
the mind takes it all in
the heart comprehends its meaning

expressed through words
through a contented sigh
through a sustained awe

when all is still
the power of the Almighty is felt
the presence of God is everywhere
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Message from God

"Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it." Hebrews 13:2 (NIV)

Seriously, this verse came up thrice in 2 weeks .. The latest today via the daily devotional. Who's the stranger I am supposed to show hospitality to? I read the devotional and.. Viola! God spoke! I shall take time to look around instead of at my phone, I shall pray and heed the holy spirit's prompting, I shall not let fear, busyness or lack of understanding prevent me from giving what is truly important- love. Stop to ask, stop to give, stop to listen, stop to help, stop to pray.

I pray to be more acutely aware, alert and attentive, and more tender-hearted and courageous today. Amen.
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Long weekend 1.3

So.. I have been trying to wean off worship music and spend time with God without the "artificial stimulant". It's initially counter intuitive because hearing worship music instinctively puts me in the mood for worship and sets the mood and the tone right so I had to deliberately force myself to focus and talk to God. It was a different sort of feeling. Not that "high" and positive all the time, but a more subdued and rested sort of feeling. It's not exactly my preferred mode of communing with God but I think it will get better over time.

Then when I was praying for a friend, I thought God telling me that He has a plan for my friend, and he's into a new growth phase now, and that he will stay in Singapore  because it will be good for him. I am of course skeptical because faith is not exactly my greatest gift. I am praying that I heard right.
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Long Weekend 1.2

At the heart of it all, even though we may seem to be on track with God, are we exhibiting the fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness?

It is strange how I always thought self-control is one of the fruit but it isn't. Hmmm..
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Long weekend 1.1

I needed a new book to feed my spiritual starvation, something I felt a few days ago but made more aware today because I rested enough last night. So I was in and out of the bookshop in 5 mins before catching my flight to Phuket.

The book Radical Dicipleship has been on my mind for a while and it's the latest book authored by one of my favourite bible expositor of the word, my former senior pastor. I enjoyed listening to his sermons because the Holy Spirit often prompted, nudged and inspired me to make a change regarding something or anything.

I was interested in the book after reading some quotations from his book from friends' status updates. It will be a good companion for this weekend along with the sweetheart and good friends . 😃
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