A Lesson Learnt

Serving God actually gives more heartaches and disappointments, more so than all my life experiences put together, I think. I guess that is why serving is a natural progression from faith in Jesus. That's the only way to grow beyond the refreshment we get from our personal relationship with God through prayer, bible study, church services, etc. In the presence of imperfect humans (including myself) and the exposure to uncontrolled circumstances is when spiritual growth really starts. It is in serving that faith is seen in action. It's when I feel that all negative emotions and situations are working against me that I began to grow, to grow in trust, in endurance, in humility and in repentence.

I was lamenting on my own limitations, in the working of the gift God had supposedly given me, in doubt if the ministry was for me, was my calling. I learnt that my expectations of striving to do the best for God negated the working of God in my life. I was reminded that the core of all ministry is this: Am I in love with Jesus? Knowing that Jesus is all love and only love, everytime fear, isolation or despair begin to invade my mind, I need to remember that that is not something that comes from God. When I let self-doubt, disappointment, rejection and inadequacy affect me negatively, that's when I have relied on myself and not on the grace of God, that I have placed too much emphasis on myself and my work rather than letting God work in me, His vessel.

Like a very good reminder from Henri Nouwen's book yesterday, I have to trust that God is at work in me and that the way I am being moved to new inner and outer places is part of a larger movement of which I am only a very small part. The book reminded me that our present lives are all shadows of the second love and reveal the darkness that never completely leaves the human heart. And the radical good news is that the second love is only a a broken reflection of the first love and that the first love is offered to us by a God in whom there are no shardws. Jesus' heart is the incarnation of the shadow-free first love of God. How beautiful this revelation is!

So today, I will believe in this: Keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. Service in ministry is all about Jesus. We give our best and God will do the rest.
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