tonight

I read your blog right from the beginning. I remembered the last time I read those entries, and I felt embarrassed when I read about posts concerning me, because I guess I wasn't ready to receive how you were feeling so I browsed through the entries very quickly.

Tonight, I was missing you and I decided to reread the same entries. I teared because I truly could hear how much you cared for me long before I seriously thought about what we had experienced together. Please don't get me wrong. I wasn't looking at seeing anyone else. I guess I wasn't ready to acknowledge that I was in a relationship with anyone. The heart was weary. It wasn't strong enough to withstand any more disappointments. It was so much easier to spend time together with that carefree feeling, without any expectations.

But tonight, as I read your posts, I heard your heart, I saw your heart. And I am sorry if I had hurt you in any way in withholding a large part of myself back then. It was true that I subconsciously pushed you away whenever I flippantly spoke about starting to date people though I did not feel like I wanted to do that at all. I am ashamed of myself for not letting myself feel for you in the way you felt for me. I wondered how things could have turned out if we had let things flow more naturally then. Perhaps we would have fallen head over heels with each other then.

But I like it now. I like how we have gotten to know each other so much better because of the time spent together. I like how we have understood each other and learnt to accept each other before the poison of expectations killed what we have for each other. I am glad we started officially on 8th June this year instead of any time earlier.

Happy 1st Montheversary. You are very special and I miss you terribly.
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